In which I get very close to actual raeg

I am spending a lot of time with the Noctis recently. I think that's partially because I still have no friends and I'm dying to have someone who will talk to me, and partially because I'm really worried about Anya. Every day I wake up and wonder if he's going to stop just waiting. The Noctis say that there's a way to save her, and I'm desperate enough to believe them. For one thing, they seem like they know what they're doing.

And there's Gabriel of course.

I hate Gabriel. Gabriel hates me first. Actually, I think he might have started the hating but either way it amounts to the same thing: He's a jerk. Yet for some reason, him and Charles are who I deal with the most. That's because Charles is supposed to be leading this 'case' or something. But it's his first time, so Gabriel is hanging around and being annoying. I threw ice water in his face once. I felt bad about it afterwards, but when I get mad I either do stupid things or nothing at all. Around Gabriel, it's usually the stupid things option.

He accused me of being a spy. That's why I drenched him. Apparently usually when they deal with kids like Anya, the children have no idea what's going on. They're infected by a different person who's heard of him, an online blogger or such. But there's a delay. So usually by the time the noctis come around the leak has been gone for six months or so. I am still here, and it happened almost immediately, so Gabriel seems to think that I am really working for him and trying to take apart the noctis instead of save Anya.

I did feel bad about the water, but he sort of deserved it. I want to help her more than he does. I think Gabriel only does this because he feels he owes it something.

That's the one thing about Gabriel. Apparently he was almost taken. The Noctis saved him, and Lazarus adopted him. Which means that whatever they're doing, it works. And so I am putting a lot of faith in these guys, despite the fact that they're all crazy and Gabriel's a douchebag.

For the first time in a while, I've got hope. And that's worth holding on to.

In which I devolve into a fangirl

ZEKE STRAHM IS IN MARYLAND! Ok, so I'm not quite sure where in Maryland, but most of that state is WAY close to my house. Mostly because of Metro. Metro is awesome. So Zeke Strahm is with easily travelable (is that a word?) distance from me and it is TOTALLY SURREAL.

Oh, and I hope Celie is ok. And he doesn't get into more bad things. I'm trying to be concerned but HE'S GONNA BE SO CLOSE! Hey, if any of my readers know anybody who knows Zeke by some weird twist of fate, can you ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or something? Just for an hour or two? Ok, I sound like a crazy stalker now. But seriously, ZEKE FUCKING STRAHM.

Well, it seemed that this revelation has saved this blog, because while stuff has been happening I haven't really been writing about it. It's that flaky thing coming up again I guess. So I don't think normal narrative is going to work very well to fill you guys in. You guys are gonna have to deal with straight up exposition. Sorry.

Ok, first things first, I've been spending a fair amount of time with the Noctis. I don't like all of them, but at the moment they're Anya's best shot. Apparently Noctis Custodes has been around for a LONG time. Like Egypt time. And the point of them is to rescue children from, well you know. How exactly that works I don't know. They won't tell me. Their eyes narrow whenever I ask. The Noctis are everywhere. Well, a lot of places anyway. Although there are usually only two or three in each branch. I think a prerequisite of getting in is being completely nuts, because even the ones I like are off their rocker.

He's waiting for something. I don't know what, but it's why he hasn't done anything yet. I used to complain about how sometimes he didn't do anything. It made him seem like less of a threat. But actually, he's just patient. In no rush. Whatever he's after is going to happen, and that unearthly certainty has been hanging over me for a week or so.

Also, the voices stop around him. There's only silence.

In which Murphy is proven correct

I consider my handful of readers the clever type, so you guys have probably figured out that some bad stuff has happened recently just by looking at the title. It's mostly why this post took so long. I'm going to make a short list of some of the stuff I've been going through.

-My computer charger broke
-The guys who shipped it made a mistake, so it took longer
-My new manager at my job hates me
-I still don't have any friends in D.C. sans a ten year old.
-Said ten year old is now at my house four days a week due to Theresa having issues again.
-I'm walking her home when I'm not at work.
-He's come to Anya's house.
-And mine
-The Noctis are a bunch of assholes, apparently.
-I'm sick. I think it's a flu or something
-My nightmares are getting worse
-David apparently wants to join the Noctis. DONT YOU IDIOT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED ITS HORRIBLE AND SUICIDE AND YOURE MY FRIEND DAMMIT

I think I'm going to write about what's going on with Anya, and the noctis, and all that. But I feel like if I put it all in one post it would be too much to process. So my next few posts are going to be catch up stuff. But I'm alive, just in case you guys were worrying about me. Or something.

In which I make a decision

Anya came back. She knocked on my door at about two in the morning on yesterday, shivering and crying her eyes out. She woke up my mom, and the two of us called the police and Theresa and all that. Then we folded out the couch and I sat with her for about half an hour until she went to sleep. She talked until she was too tired to say anything. I mostly listened. I still wanted to tell her so many things, but it didn't really work out that way. I did manage to tell her that I was sorry though.

She talked about a lot of things for that half hour or so. She talked about fairy tales and kids at school and what had happened to her when she had run away and how she didn't know who to trust or if anyone could help her. It was a frenzied, melancholy little monologue and honestly a little depressing. So I just held her and listened.

I feel slightly horrible, but for a while I had hoped that he had taken her. After all, no one really knows what happens to the children once they disappear. I always thought it was something bad, but maybe he just takes them somewhere else. Maybe it's better than here. It's probably better than him just waiting, slowly chipping away at the emotions of a child. What is he waiting for? I wish it was over already, it's the not knowing that's truly painful.

All I really know is that after seeing Anya this scared broken mess in front of me, I wanted her suffering to end. I wanted her to stop being scared. And I'd do anything to make sure it did.

I'm going to find one of the Noctis. I'm going to find out what they know, and what they can do for her and I won't take no for an answer. It's the least I can do for Anya.

In which I am a royal fuck up

I'm in a weird mood right now. I feel like all my emotions have been shuffled to the right, and I'm not exactly responding the way I should be. Perhaps this is because I'm tired or because I'm stressed or because I am working for the first time in my life. It might be because I have been hearing whispers for days on end now like a fuzzy radio station that I can't turn off. I can't even make out what it's saying except for the number 10 and the letter W. Apparently these disembodied mumblings host Sesame Street.

See? I'm hearing voices and I'm making cracks about it. And I haven't even gotten to the worst part. Let's hope I don't collapse into a laughing fit.

I roll silverware at work. It's something to do other than stare at the menu and wonder who the heck came up with the word Zinfadel. It's also really really easy. Even someone with coordination as poor as me can pick it up without much trouble. I fold to the side of the restuarunt instead of in the kitchen like the servers so that I can keep an eye on the door. And that's where I was, rolling silverware into flimsy napkins, when somebody touched me on the shoulder.

I have to admit, Charles is getting much better at sneaking up on people.

Our conversation:

Me: Don't you have another resturaunt you could go to?
Charles: I'm not here to eat. Have you seen Anya?
Me: Not since yesterday. Why?
Charles: She's missing.
Me: What?
Charles: Her mother called the cops a couple hours ago. Did anything happen last night?
Me: No, things were fine.

Ok, so that was a total lie. Last night was kind of rocky, actually. But it wasn't from anything I thought that the Cool Coat Club would be interested in. Anya and I got into a fight. And I'll tell you right now, fighting with a ten year old is the most exasperating thing ever. The whole thing wavered between yelling, a crying fit, an almost clever guilt trip, and a long period where she didn't say a thing and just stared at me.

Her problem was that she held me responsible for being 'hunted' (that was her term). She didn't want me to sit her anymore. I didn't have anything to say to that.

Well, I had plenty of things to say to that. I just didn't say them. When I get particularly emotional, I can't form my thoughts into word. Mostly I just sat there staring at her as she raged at me. About half an hour after she stalked into her room, I started talking to the spot where she was about how I knew I was responsible but I deeply cared about her and was going to do everything I could to keep her safe even though I had no idea how to do that.

This isn't because of my weird mood, by the way. I've always done this. It got me in trouble way too many times in my childhood.

So, when I left this morning she was still angry at me and didn't say a word. And I still couldn't manage to say anything. And now she's missing.

I should mention that I do care. The responsibility and the fear and all of that is still running around my head. I'm just taking it remarkably calmly. I almost made a joke about it, but figured that it was in poor taste. I'm doing everything I can to find her. So are the noctis. And really, that's all we can do.

And on a side note, my work is a brain killer. It's my frontrunner guess for why I'm so odd.

In which some stalkers are considerably less cryptic (but still not clear)

I have had a really surreal day.

To start things off, I have a job finally! I meant to tell you guys that earlier, but this whole thing with Anya has been on my mind. Plus, it hasn't been all that long since I've got it. Today was my first day. I sort of got the hang of it by the end of my shift, which tells me that it's probably going to be a boring job. But it's work, so I am totally cool with that.

The weirdness actually started at my work. I was just leaning against the host pedestal thing, occupying myself by trying to find all the items on the menu that start with 'Z', when a group came in. So, that isn't really anything out of the ordinary. People come into resturaunts all the time, that's sort of what they're there for. But one of the people who was in the group happened to be Charles.

Yep. That Charles. He seemed to be just as surprised as me, and sort of tried to slink away. The rest of the group seemed a little shocked, too.That's when I realized that I recognized two of the others that were with him. They were there when Anya and I went to the Smithsonian. The other two people with them, a woman and an old man, were unfamiliar to me. But it was still weird, and got my paranoia senses up. My shift ended before they had finished eating, and I waited outside for them. Apparently they had been expecting that, because they didn't seem all that bothered about talking to me.

This is a very... enlightening conversation. It was also very complicated and long and I don't think I did a very good job turning it into a script. This would be the most boring movie scene ever.

Also, they all gave me names in the course of the conversation. Well, not they're real names, but funny weird code names work well enough. So before I launch into this very odd talk, I'm going to list out who they are and a brief description. Mostly so that I don't get lost myself.

Thor: One of the men I recognized. Doesn't really look like Thor. Actually, he kind of reminds me of Professor Plum from the Clue games. He's got Harold Lloyd glasses and a light brown coat that looks pretty worn.

Gabriel: The other man I recognized. He wasn't wearing a coat at all. Weird guy. He and Charles are probably the youngest of this group. I'd say they're both twenty-five or so. Probably. I didn't ask.

Yorona: I have no idea how to spell it. I barely know how to pronounce it. I think it might be Spanish. Maybe. She was about forty or so and had on a light gray jacket.

Lazarus: I think he's probably eighty or so, but like all of this, it's guesswork. I'm bad at ages. He walks really funny and has this long black trenchcoat and a wide brimmed hat. He sort of looked epic.

Charles: Well, we all know him. Still wins the award for greatest coat ever.

All right, on to the conversation.

Me: Hey.
Charles: I already told you, I can't tell you anything.
Me: I'm not asking anything.
Charles: Oh.
Me: Actually, I need to tell you something. Whatever you're doing, you're in way over your head.
Lazarus: I assure you Miss, we're very well prepared.
Me: Not for this.
Lazarus: Would you care to elaborate?
(Oh, random tidbit. I imagine Lazarus talking in a British accent. He doesn't actually have a British accent, but it does suit him)
Me: You wouldn't believe me if I did.
Lazarus: Let me hazard a guess. You have seen the man following Anya.
Me: Yes. But...
Yorona: It isn't a man. We know.
Me: WHAT! YOU KNEW? (I think I might have sworn a bit here.)
Lazarus: That's exactly why we're here. And I thank you kindly for trying to warn us, but we do know what we're doing. Anya's in good hands.
Me: Are you seriously telling me that you know how to defeat the slenderman?
(At that moment, they all sort of got quiet.)
Me: What?
Thor: How long have you known about him?
Me: I dont know. Since January I think. Why?
Gabriel: That's a bit too soon. Maybe it's just a coincidence.
Yorona: Not neccesarily. She could be linked.
Gabriel: That's still very soon. It doesn't add up. (they argued like this, with me having any idea what was going on until Lazarus interrupted them.)
Lazarus: Has Anya read anything about the slender man? Watched Marble Hornets? Anything that might give her information?
Me: Yes. It was an accident though.
Yorona: She's in danger whether it was an accident or not.
(Ability to make me feel like crap award goes to Yorona)
Me: You said you can help her? Who are you?
Thor: Noctis Custodes.
Lazarus: We're really just the D.C. branch. The Noctis are everywhere. But we are here to help. We might not be able to save Anya but we can try.
Me: How?
Lazarus: I'm afraid we can't tell you that. You already know enough to be in danger.
Me: I want to help.
Charles: You've already helped. Now that we know that he really is involved, we can get started. Keep Anya calm. Can you do that?
Me: Yeah.
Lazarus: We'll let you know if you can do anything else.

And then they left.

Somehow, I'm more confused than when there were just creepy guys stalking a ten year old.

I know what I sound like now. Even though I've been rambling about Slender Man for months now, even though I sort of always believed in him, showing up and stalking Anya is just odd. And I feel like I should be running around saying that it didn't happen, or I'm going crazy or something. David mentioned that it was slightly unbelievable. I agree with him.

But I know what I saw.

I did take a few days off of the computer just to clear my head. But it didn't really help. I've been having nightmares again. I thought that I was finished with that, but now I can't close my eyes without having surreal images of black walls flashing behind them. I hear things sometimes, just little whisperings that don't seem to actually make words.

And Anya isn't scared any more. I thought that this would be a good thing, but what she is now is something beyond fear.  Beyond hope. It's depressing, and I wish I knew what to do to help her. But I'm nothing special. I don't think that I can help her.

I have felt useless many times in my life, but this is the worst.