Wednesday, June 22, 2011

In which this is the end

I've been mulling it over these past few days, and I've decided that this is going to be my last post. It's nothing personal. I love my readers, like a ton. But this part of my life is something that I just want to forget about at the moment. Plus, what exactly would I write about next? the glorious life of a resturaunt host? My adventures in chemo? It all seems kind of odd compared to the last few months. Odd and wonderful. I hope you don't mind my selfishness and let me keep my journey into the real world for myself.

I don't know, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe I'll get back to writing Jensen Falls. But not right now. Right now I've got a lot of other stuff on my mind. So thank you guy for reading, for giving advice, for believing in me.

Thank you especially for believing in me.

Lazarus sent me an email. I'm probably just going to ignore it, but it felt weird not to show to you guys. So here you go. And goodbye.

Lazarus' email

Anya contacted me. She said that you were at the hospital, and I felt like I needed to wish you well. I know that we have had our differences, and I have done many things that you hate me for. But I do hope that you get well soon, and commend you on saving Anya. I do hope they are testing you extensively at the hospital. Disease is one of his weapons.

I think that you have a terribly negative perception of me. And I do regret that. I'm just trying to do what you are: save children. Take Anya for example. She is alive, but how do you think the sort of trauma she's been through is going to affect her? Not that I am saying that it isn't worth it, but she's going to spend her entire life looking over her shoulder. How will she cope when every day she's worried about death lurking around the corner? One benfit about the Noctis' methods is that most of the time, the child is unaware about anything but the original stalking. We save them the fear of the situation. We give them a childhood. The people we choose for the exchange have lived their lives already.

I know you hate me. I know this will probably not change your mind. But you should think about it. I am not the villain.

If you need anything at all, please let me know. Aside from that, I can't say that we'll ever meet again.


Monday, June 20, 2011

In which I think of cherry blossoms

I'm sorry if this gets convoluted. This whole thing is crazy and I'm injured and emotional and still on morphine, though not nearly as much. So I feel like I'm going to type this up and it will make no sense. Like when you write down a dream in the middle of the night and realize the next day that you wrote 'toast'.

I slept over at Anya and Theresa's house like normal. And I told Theresa that I was going to take Anya to the museums and memorials and stuff. No reason to not let me. I've done it before. Anya seemed to know what was going on. She just put a notebook and some other stuff into a bookbag and followed me.

She was silent the entire time. I tried to talk to her once, say that I was sorry, but all she did was glare at me. I couldn't really blame her. So I just sat there with all the blame and guilt and yet, I couldn't stop. It was pulling me towards the memorial, pulling me to take Anya.

I didn't want to do it.

I went anyway, I took Anya's hand and we walked for a good ten minutes before I realized that the last time I was here was during the cherry blossom festival. That's what did it, I think. Because then even as I was walking all I could think of was cherry blossoms. How Anya laughed for once and tried to dunk me in the pond. How I had gotten into a fight with my mom about whether or not they were better than magnolias. How I thought they were ridiculously beautiful even if they were pink.

We got to the memorial eventually. Anya was still silent. I was still thinking about cherry blossoms. However, then he was there and I couldn't think of anything.

Just silence.

Walking panel by panel by panel, and all I knew was that awful silence. He had his arms out. Patient, unworried.

I was ten panels away when I thought about cherry blossoms again. Then I thought about something else.

My favorite color is blue.

Five panels away and I ran the other direction, dragging Anya with me. He ended up in front of me, and I got caught in the shoulder by a tentacle I didn't see. It flung me several feet away before he turned his attention back to Anya.

 The shoulder hurt. Still hurts. I don't know how I ignored it and got over there so fast. But I did. I did and I just grabbed Anya.

I didn't try to run this time I just stood there and held her, trying to keep her from him as long as possible. And he tried to get at her. The arms clawed and scratched and clung, but there was little they could do without hurting Anya. He stopped after a few minutes, and the arms came to a still position. And he began to assault my mind again.

I almost let go. Anya was pushing against me, and my shoulder still hurt like crazy, and I WANTED to let go. but I kept thinking about cherry blossoms and hope and third options and how even if Anya was doomed it was not going to be because of me.

And at that moment, that was what mattered. That I wasn't his. So I looked him in the eye, adjusted my grip on Anya, and flipped him off.

For a moment, nothing changed. Anya kept trying to get to him, I kept fighting to keep control of myself. But all of a sudden, it just stopped. The extra arms returned to his back, and he smiled at me.

That's when the voices started screaming.

I woke up a couple hours later in the hospital. Apparently our favorite FBI agent was at the memorial. I think he was there to arrest me, but given he probably saved my life I can't be too angry at the moment. The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that it was quiet. Not silent, but there were no voices. None at all.

The second thing I noticed was Anya sitting there next to my mother. She seemed pretty banged up, but overall unharmed. She smiled at me a bit, then nodded. And then I passed out again.

I don't know when I'll be getting out of the hospital. Apparently I'm in bad shape, and they're doing a bunch of ridiculously random tests to make sure they're not missing anything. But I'm really not that bothered. I'm alive.

Anya's alive.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

In which I'm in the hospital

I'll post again when I have longer access to a computer. And am on less morphine.

I like morphine

birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
reeds drifting on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
It's a new dawn it's a new day.

And I'm feelin good

Friday, June 17, 2011

In which I rally myself a little

So, it seemed like the stupidest idea of all time, and suggested by people I've never met. But I followed the directions of the comment people of last post and dunked my head in ice water.

It was really cold, by the way. Really fucking cold.

It also worked. I feel a bit more me right now. I still feel relatively hollow, and the voices come back after a few minutes. But I'm not hiding inside myself any more. Although I really wish I was. I'm good at hiding. And this... it's pretty bad guys.

I found out what the voices mean

It's where I'm supposed to take Anya. And when they came back, they told me to do it tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to lead Anya there. But as much as I feel more in control, I don't think I can fight him. Not enough to stop this, at any rate.

However, if all of this is going down tomorrow, I'm at least glad that I'm doing it as me. I just want to say a couple things now.

First of all, to all my twenty-two followers: I have no idea how you guys found me, or why you stayed. But it's kind of nice to have my thoughts validated. To know that someone is listening. Thank you guys so much for reading, and being there, and stuff. Doubly so for those who actually commented. Especially Amalgamation Sage. Seriously dude. You're... just great.

To David, It's kind of a shame that I'm saying goodbye to you on the internet. I wish I could do this in person. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. And I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around, and I've probably unintentionally hurt you several times. I just want you to know that in spite of everything, I really like you. Please tell Bryan I love him?

To Lazarus: Fuck you.

I'll talk to you guys tomorrow if I'm still alive. If I don't post... well, it was nice to know you all.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

In which I talk to Lazarus

Lazarus: Glad you could make it.
AJ: Why did you ask me here?
Lazarus: Can't I just want to know how you are?
AJ: You tried to kill me.
Lazarus: I thought it was the best course of action. You were getting in the way of the exchange.
AJ: The exchange is ruined because of it, even if you had enough manpower to pull it off. You don't enter peace talks while hitting the gate with a battering ram.
Lazarus: A gate? Is that how you think of yourself?
AJ: That's what I am.
Lazarus: Tell me about yourself.
AJ: What?
Lazarus: Your favorite color, a precious memory. Anything about you that doesn't have to do with Anya or him.
AJ: Why?
Lazarus: Because the last time I saw AJ, she was still fighting this. And she wasn't doing a half bad job of it. But you're not her. You're just a shell going through her old habits. What happened to her?
AJ: She watched four people she knew die.
(Lazarus says nothing for about a minute)
Lazarus: They say they didn't find Gabriel's body. What happened?
AJ: He took him.
(He nods and sits down on a nearby chair.)
Lazarus: I sort of always knew he would. But...well, I've had all these years with Gabriel. I guess I can't regret that.
AJ: Do you regret anything?
(He laughs bitterly)
Lazarus: You truly think I'm heartless, don't you? I suppose you would. Gabriel's exchange didn't go completely smooth. His parents died. And I took him in. He's my son.
AJ: Was your son.
Lazarus: Is my son. And he always will be.
(More silence)
Lazarus: You have to keep fighting AJ.
AJ: What's the point?
Lazarus: Nothing's completely invincible. Nothing lasts forever. The more we fight him, the closer we are to winning.
AJ: Anya's doomed either way.
Lazarus: She is. I'm afraid it's too late for her. But it isn't for you. You can't... you can't let loss numb you like this. The more you do, the more he takes control.
AJ: Why do you care? You ordered my death less than a week ago.
Lazarus: If you were yourself, you'd understand. You'd ask me to kill you.
AJ: I don't think I would.
Lazarus: No, you wouldn't. That's something about you. Remember it. And please AJ. Fight this.
AJ: There's no point.
Lazarus: There's always a point. Always.

Monday, June 13, 2011

In which I get out of the basement

The police got me out of the basement only a few hours later. Apparently Lazarus called them when he didn't hear from Gabriel. I don't know if he admitted to planning it, but he gave them the address at least. They tried to get me to tell them what happened, but I didn't say anything. Eventually they just sent me home.

Except today an FBI agent came to my house. At first I didn't say anything to him either. But then he started talking about child abductions and fires and men in business suits. And then he told a completely different story about a hostage situation gone bad. Apparently, that was to be the story the press would be getting.

Naturally pictures of the bodies wouldn't be shown.

I started talking to him a bit after a while. Mostly details about the cover up. A little bit about other stuff. I told him that I was surprised he wasn't arresting me for the murders. I might have been a bit bitter about it. Then he said something that stuck with me for some reason.

"If you have to blame someone, blame him. I'm just damage control."

He left shortly after that.

Friday, June 10, 2011

In Which

I’ve been staring at this screen for half an hour. I don't know what to write. But I have to. I just can't stop anymore. So I'll write, even if I'm worried about the words coming out wrong or, even worse, them coming out right. It's just something I must do.

I haven't posted for about a week and a half. I have been gone for around a week of that. I doubt you noticed. I've taken longer before. But this time it wasn't my choice. It was easy enough for them to take me. Just asked me to help with some Noctis stuff and then, next moment, I'm in the basement.

I spent the first few days tied to a chair. Charles came in every once in a while to feed me and to tell me that they didn't mean me any harm. While I was tied to a chair.

It wasn't exactly bad until four or five days in. Charles was talking to me again. He'd stay and do that sometimes. He was a good man, under it all. He was kind. During our talk, Gabriel came in, followed by Thor and Llorona.

Charles: What's going on?
Gabriel: There's been a change in the plan.
Charles: What change? (Gabriel pulls out a revolver.) No. Why can't we just wait until after the exchange like we were going to?
Gabriel: Lazarus thinks it's too risky. She's already tried to stop the exchange twice. (I did, actually. I didn't mention it because Llorona's been reading my blog.) Every day she grows more and more attached to the thing. If we don't kill her, she could ruin everything.
Charles: No. I didn't sign up for this. We're supposed to be the good guys Gabriel!
Gabriel: We are. This has to be done.
Charles: No it doesn't. There has to be a better way.
Gabriel: Lazarus doesn't think so. I don't think so.
Llorona: Neither do I.
Gabriel: That's three, Orpheus. Step aside.
Charles: .... no.

There was a pause, then Gabriel shoved Charles aside and placed the gun against my head.
There was a click. Then another click. From the corner of my eye, I saw Thor pocket something shiny and nod in my direction. I didn't have the time to notice anything else.

Gabriel drew back the gun and started yelling at Thor about bullets. But I wasn't paying attention. The voices had stopped. Silence.

But then, it wasn't just my head. All the natural sounds of a basement from leaking pipes to the hum of electricity seemed to fade away. The only noise in the whole room was Gabriel yelling at Thor. When the Noctis noticed the silence, even that stopped.

And then, he was there.

He seemed just as calm as I've always seen him. Just as certain that everything would go his way. But then something changed. Thick black tendrils began to grow out of his back. They stretched out for a moment before one quickly darted out and caught Thor by the ankle.

Thor tripped, and was dragged towards him. Llorona tried to catch him, but only got there in time to be hit by another of the tendrils. Except it had shifted and instead resembled a tree branch. The branch neatly impaled her in the chest, before tossing her against the wall. Thor was now closer to him, entangled in several more tentacles. The sound of crushing bones filled the silence as the arms constricted around Thor's body. He let out a shriek before one of the tentacles circled around his throat. And then they all began to pull. More sounds, and Thor's body began to tear. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. I just stared as Thor was slowly torn apart. He didn't even do it fast. He wasn't in a hurry. He took his time.

My eyes were only torn from Thor when he sent another tree branch arm towards Llorona. This time he threw her towards the staircase that led out of the basement. Charles had been running, trying to escape. But Llorona landed on top of him, pinning them both. Thor was in pieces by this time. And Gabriel hadn't moved. He was standing completely still, muttering to himself and staring directly at him.

Charles almost got away. But he paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to run or try to help Llorona. A third branch arm caught them both. For the first time, he moved. It was something between a walk and a glide. Once again, unhurried. He stopped when he was next to the two of them.
The last part was too quick for me to process. All I know is that Charles' head landed just a few feet away from me.

Then he turned to look at Gabriel, and the various arms which had killed the rest of the Noctis suddenly went still. He extended one of his normal hands out, and something began to...pull. If I hadn't been tied to a chair, I would have walked up those stairways and into his arms. I couldn't have helped myself.
Gabriel tried. He shouted and he cried and he cursed, but he walked up the stairs anyway. He put his arms around Gabriel in a sort of embrace. I could tell that Gabriel was shaking. And then they were gone.
It was just me and the bodies.