In which this is the end

I've been mulling it over these past few days, and I've decided that this is going to be my last post. It's nothing personal. I love my readers, like a ton. But this part of my life is something that I just want to forget about at the moment. Plus, what exactly would I write about next? the glorious life of a resturaunt host? My adventures in chemo? It all seems kind of odd compared to the last few months. Odd and wonderful. I hope you don't mind my selfishness and let me keep my journey into the real world for myself.

I don't know, maybe I'll blog again. Maybe I'll get back to writing Jensen Falls. But not right now. Right now I've got a lot of other stuff on my mind. So thank you guy for reading, for giving advice, for believing in me.

Thank you especially for believing in me.

Lazarus sent me an email. I'm probably just going to ignore it, but it felt weird not to show to you guys. So here you go. And goodbye.

Lazarus' email

Anya contacted me. She said that you were at the hospital, and I felt like I needed to wish you well. I know that we have had our differences, and I have done many things that you hate me for. But I do hope that you get well soon, and commend you on saving Anya. I do hope they are testing you extensively at the hospital. Disease is one of his weapons.

I think that you have a terribly negative perception of me. And I do regret that. I'm just trying to do what you are: save children. Take Anya for example. She is alive, but how do you think the sort of trauma she's been through is going to affect her? Not that I am saying that it isn't worth it, but she's going to spend her entire life looking over her shoulder. How will she cope when every day she's worried about death lurking around the corner? One benfit about the Noctis' methods is that most of the time, the child is unaware about anything but the original stalking. We save them the fear of the situation. We give them a childhood. The people we choose for the exchange have lived their lives already.

I know you hate me. I know this will probably not change your mind. But you should think about it. I am not the villain.

If you need anything at all, please let me know. Aside from that, I can't say that we'll ever meet again.

-LAZARUS.

In which I think of cherry blossoms

I'm sorry if this gets convoluted. This whole thing is crazy and I'm injured and emotional and still on morphine, though not nearly as much. So I feel like I'm going to type this up and it will make no sense. Like when you write down a dream in the middle of the night and realize the next day that you wrote 'toast'.

I slept over at Anya and Theresa's house like normal. And I told Theresa that I was going to take Anya to the museums and memorials and stuff. No reason to not let me. I've done it before. Anya seemed to know what was going on. She just put a notebook and some other stuff into a bookbag and followed me.

She was silent the entire time. I tried to talk to her once, say that I was sorry, but all she did was glare at me. I couldn't really blame her. So I just sat there with all the blame and guilt and yet, I couldn't stop. It was pulling me towards the memorial, pulling me to take Anya.

I didn't want to do it.

I went anyway, I took Anya's hand and we walked for a good ten minutes before I realized that the last time I was here was during the cherry blossom festival. That's what did it, I think. Because then even as I was walking all I could think of was cherry blossoms. How Anya laughed for once and tried to dunk me in the pond. How I had gotten into a fight with my mom about whether or not they were better than magnolias. How I thought they were ridiculously beautiful even if they were pink.

We got to the memorial eventually. Anya was still silent. I was still thinking about cherry blossoms. However, then he was there and I couldn't think of anything.

Just silence.

Walking panel by panel by panel, and all I knew was that awful silence. He had his arms out. Patient, unworried.

I was ten panels away when I thought about cherry blossoms again. Then I thought about something else.

My favorite color is blue.

Five panels away and I ran the other direction, dragging Anya with me. He ended up in front of me, and I got caught in the shoulder by a tentacle I didn't see. It flung me several feet away before he turned his attention back to Anya.

 The shoulder hurt. Still hurts. I don't know how I ignored it and got over there so fast. But I did. I did and I just grabbed Anya.

I didn't try to run this time I just stood there and held her, trying to keep her from him as long as possible. And he tried to get at her. The arms clawed and scratched and clung, but there was little they could do without hurting Anya. He stopped after a few minutes, and the arms came to a still position. And he began to assault my mind again.

I almost let go. Anya was pushing against me, and my shoulder still hurt like crazy, and I WANTED to let go. but I kept thinking about cherry blossoms and hope and third options and how even if Anya was doomed it was not going to be because of me.

And at that moment, that was what mattered. That I wasn't his. So I looked him in the eye, adjusted my grip on Anya, and flipped him off.

For a moment, nothing changed. Anya kept trying to get to him, I kept fighting to keep control of myself. But all of a sudden, it just stopped. The extra arms returned to his back, and he smiled at me.

That's when the voices started screaming.




I woke up a couple hours later in the hospital. Apparently our favorite FBI agent was at the memorial. I think he was there to arrest me, but given he probably saved my life I can't be too angry at the moment. The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that it was quiet. Not silent, but there were no voices. None at all.

The second thing I noticed was Anya sitting there next to my mother. She seemed pretty banged up, but overall unharmed. She smiled at me a bit, then nodded. And then I passed out again.

I don't know when I'll be getting out of the hospital. Apparently I'm in bad shape, and they're doing a bunch of ridiculously random tests to make sure they're not missing anything. But I'm really not that bothered. I'm alive.

Anya's alive.

In which I'm in the hospital

I'll post again when I have longer access to a computer. And am on less morphine.


I like morphine

birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
reeds drifting on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
It's a new dawn it's a new day.





And I'm feelin good

In which I rally myself a little

So, it seemed like the stupidest idea of all time, and suggested by people I've never met. But I followed the directions of the comment people of last post and dunked my head in ice water.

It was really cold, by the way. Really fucking cold.

It also worked. I feel a bit more me right now. I still feel relatively hollow, and the voices come back after a few minutes. But I'm not hiding inside myself any more. Although I really wish I was. I'm good at hiding. And this... it's pretty bad guys.

I found out what the voices mean

It's where I'm supposed to take Anya. And when they came back, they told me to do it tomorrow. I don't want to go. I don't want to lead Anya there. But as much as I feel more in control, I don't think I can fight him. Not enough to stop this, at any rate.

However, if all of this is going down tomorrow, I'm at least glad that I'm doing it as me. I just want to say a couple things now.

First of all, to all my twenty-two followers: I have no idea how you guys found me, or why you stayed. But it's kind of nice to have my thoughts validated. To know that someone is listening. Thank you guys so much for reading, and being there, and stuff. Doubly so for those who actually commented. Especially Amalgamation Sage. Seriously dude. You're... just great.

To David, It's kind of a shame that I'm saying goodbye to you on the internet. I wish I could do this in person. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. And I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around, and I've probably unintentionally hurt you several times. I just want you to know that in spite of everything, I really like you. Please tell Bryan I love him?

To Lazarus: Fuck you.

I'll talk to you guys tomorrow if I'm still alive. If I don't post... well, it was nice to know you all.

In which I talk to Lazarus

Lazarus: Glad you could make it.
AJ: Why did you ask me here?
Lazarus: Can't I just want to know how you are?
AJ: You tried to kill me.
Lazarus: I thought it was the best course of action. You were getting in the way of the exchange.
AJ: The exchange is ruined because of it, even if you had enough manpower to pull it off. You don't enter peace talks while hitting the gate with a battering ram.
Lazarus: A gate? Is that how you think of yourself?
AJ: That's what I am.
Lazarus: Tell me about yourself.
AJ: What?
Lazarus: Your favorite color, a precious memory. Anything about you that doesn't have to do with Anya or him.
AJ: Why?
Lazarus: Because the last time I saw AJ, she was still fighting this. And she wasn't doing a half bad job of it. But you're not her. You're just a shell going through her old habits. What happened to her?
AJ: She watched four people she knew die.
(Lazarus says nothing for about a minute)
Lazarus: They say they didn't find Gabriel's body. What happened?
AJ: He took him.
(He nods and sits down on a nearby chair.)
Lazarus: I sort of always knew he would. But...well, I've had all these years with Gabriel. I guess I can't regret that.
AJ: Do you regret anything?
(He laughs bitterly)
Lazarus: You truly think I'm heartless, don't you? I suppose you would. Gabriel's exchange didn't go completely smooth. His parents died. And I took him in. He's my son.
AJ: Was your son.
Lazarus: Is my son. And he always will be.
(More silence)
Lazarus: You have to keep fighting AJ.
AJ: What's the point?
Lazarus: Nothing's completely invincible. Nothing lasts forever. The more we fight him, the closer we are to winning.
AJ: Anya's doomed either way.
Lazarus: She is. I'm afraid it's too late for her. But it isn't for you. You can't... you can't let loss numb you like this. The more you do, the more he takes control.
AJ: Why do you care? You ordered my death less than a week ago.
Lazarus: If you were yourself, you'd understand. You'd ask me to kill you.
AJ: I don't think I would.
Lazarus: No, you wouldn't. That's something about you. Remember it. And please AJ. Fight this.
AJ: There's no point.
Lazarus: There's always a point. Always.

In which I get out of the basement

The police got me out of the basement only a few hours later. Apparently Lazarus called them when he didn't hear from Gabriel. I don't know if he admitted to planning it, but he gave them the address at least. They tried to get me to tell them what happened, but I didn't say anything. Eventually they just sent me home.

Except today an FBI agent came to my house. At first I didn't say anything to him either. But then he started talking about child abductions and fires and men in business suits. And then he told a completely different story about a hostage situation gone bad. Apparently, that was to be the story the press would be getting.

Naturally pictures of the bodies wouldn't be shown.

I started talking to him a bit after a while. Mostly details about the cover up. A little bit about other stuff. I told him that I was surprised he wasn't arresting me for the murders. I might have been a bit bitter about it. Then he said something that stuck with me for some reason.

"If you have to blame someone, blame him. I'm just damage control."

He left shortly after that.

In Which

I’ve been staring at this screen for half an hour. I don't know what to write. But I have to. I just can't stop anymore. So I'll write, even if I'm worried about the words coming out wrong or, even worse, them coming out right. It's just something I must do.

I haven't posted for about a week and a half. I have been gone for around a week of that. I doubt you noticed. I've taken longer before. But this time it wasn't my choice. It was easy enough for them to take me. Just asked me to help with some Noctis stuff and then, next moment, I'm in the basement.

I spent the first few days tied to a chair. Charles came in every once in a while to feed me and to tell me that they didn't mean me any harm. While I was tied to a chair.

It wasn't exactly bad until four or five days in. Charles was talking to me again. He'd stay and do that sometimes. He was a good man, under it all. He was kind. During our talk, Gabriel came in, followed by Thor and Llorona.

Charles: What's going on?

Gabriel: There's been a change in the plan.

Charles: What change? (Gabriel pulls out a revolver.) No. Why can't we just wait until after the exchange like we were going to?

Gabriel: Lazarus thinks it's too risky. She's already tried to stop the exchange twice. (I did, actually. I didn't mention it because Llorona's been reading my blog.) Every day she grows more and more attached to the thing. If we don't kill her, she could ruin everything.

Charles: No. I didn't sign up for this. We're supposed to be the good guys Gabriel!

Gabriel: We are. This has to be done.

Charles: No it doesn't. There has to be a better way.

Gabriel: Lazarus doesn't think so. I don't think so.

Llorona: Neither do I.

Gabriel: That's three, Orpheus. Step aside.

Charles: .... no.

There was a pause, then Gabriel shoved Charles aside and placed the gun against my head.

There was a click. Then another click. From the corner of my eye, I saw Thor pocket something shiny and nod in my direction. I didn't have the time to notice anything else.

Gabriel drew back the gun and started yelling at Thor about bullets. But I wasn't paying attention. The voices had stopped. Silence.

But then, it wasn't just my head. All the natural sounds of a basement from leaking pipes to the hum of electricity seemed to fade away. The only noise in the whole room was Gabriel yelling at Thor. When the Noctis noticed the silence, even that stopped.

And then, he was there.

He seemed just as calm as I've always seen him. Just as certain that everything would go his way. But then something changed. Thick black tendrils began to grow out of his back. They stretched out for a moment before one quickly darted out and caught Thor by the ankle.

Thor tripped, and was dragged towards him. Llorona tried to catch him, but only got there in time to be hit by another of the tendrils. Except it had shifted and instead resembled a tree branch. The branch neatly impaled her in the chest, before tossing her against the wall. Thor was now closer to him, entangled in several more tentacles. The sound of crushing bones filled the silence as the arms constricted around Thor's body. He let out a shriek before one of the tentacles circled around his throat. And then they all began to pull. More sounds, and Thor's body began to tear. I tried to look away, but I couldn't. I just stared as Thor was slowly torn apart. He didn't even do it fast. He wasn't in a hurry. He took his time.

My eyes were only torn from Thor when he sent another tree branch arm towards Llorona. This time he threw her towards the staircase that led out of the basement. Charles had been running, trying to escape. But Llorona landed on top of him, pinning them both. Thor was in pieces by this time. And Gabriel hadn't moved. He was standing completely still, muttering to himself and staring directly at him.

Charles almost got away. But he paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to run or try to help Llorona. A third branch arm caught them both. For the first time, he moved. It was something between a walk and a glide. Once again, unhurried. He stopped when he was next to the two of them.

The last part was too quick for me to process. All I know is that Charles' head landed just a few feet away from me.

Then he turned to look at Gabriel, and the various arms which had killed the rest of the Noctis suddenly went still. He extended one of his normal hands out, and something began to...pull. If I hadn't been tied to a chair, I would have walked up those stairways and into his arms. I couldn't have helped myself.

Gabriel tried. He shouted and he cried and he cursed, but he walked up the stairs anyway. He put his arms around Gabriel in a sort of embrace. I could tell that Gabriel was shaking. And then they were gone.

It was just me and the bodies.

In which Charles looks back

So, I appear to be the only one who had to work today. Not like it really mattered that I did. I sat a grand total of ten tables. In four hours. It was the deadest day I've ever worked. But it's ok, because Charles came to hang out towards the end of it, and we went to Anya's house. Us and Theresa and Anya all had a mini picnic on the lawn and talked about the weather. It was nice, actually. I think Anya liked it particularly. I don't talk about her much anymore, because I'm really not sure what to say. Have you ever met anyone who knows that they're going to die? Someone who is over the shock and anger of it all and is just waiting for the end? That's Anya now. She seems a bit more like the old Anya I knew now. She laughs and she runs around and she talks everyone's ear off. But there's a frantic sadness to all of it. Like she's acutely aware that this moment could be her last.

I feel awful about that. I really did want to try and help her. Now it seems likely that I'm going to be the one who does her in. Everything is so fricken hopeless and that small time on the lawn was just so beautiful I almost cried.

Charles did. Not in front of Anya and Theresa though. We were heading to the metro afterwards and he ducked into a burger king's bathroom for a few minutes. But he didn't really do a good job of hiding what he had been doing in there. Your face gets weird when you cry, and apparently no one ever taught Charles how to get rid of the evidence. So I called him on it, and he just monologued at me for like half an hour.

I think I've mentioned that this is the first time he's led a Noctis thing. Apparently most of the time before this he was just writing down names like I had been. It hadn't really hit him, and he believed Lazarus when he kept on going on about how this was the only way. Being near it, he's having second thoughts.

And being near me, apparently. He wasn't very clear at that point. But apparently Charles had a girlfriend once. She was linked, which is why I remind him of her. She threw herself off a bridge once he took the children.

I never really called him by his silly codename thing. If I knew the others' names I wouldn't call  them by their codenames either. But I think I sort of understand why he chose Orpheus as his.

I tried to talk him out of doing the exchange, but I think that the noctis still hold a lot of sway over him. Ultimately, it's just another person in a bad position. Another person I can't save.

Another person I caused pain. Without even meaning to.

In which I admit to something

I talked to the Noctis today.

Well, I talked to Charles. Who told me that he wasn't allowed to talk to me. Then I talked to Gabriel. So... I talked to two fifths of the Noctis today? Charles was being a failed Ninja around Anya again. I think they're still trying to go forward with The Exchange, which is just another thing that I have to worry about. Honestly, if I had anyone else to talk to I would. The Noctis, Gabriel especially, are not my favorite people in the world. But they're also the only people who could know about what I'm going through.

So, I flagged Charles down and after a weird but somehow comfortable conversation about how Lazarus and Gabriel think I want to stop the exchange (I admit, I kinda do) and I'm a danger or something now (uh... ok?) he dragged me to a rendezvous point and we waited until Gabriel showed up. There was some small talk and insults thrown, but the meat of the conversation started about here:

Me: Why don't you trust me?
Gabriel: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you accused us of murder then stormed out the door.
Me: It is murder. And you hated me before that.
Gabriel: The timing doesn't match up. He came for Anya too soon.
Me: Ok, but why does that make me the bad guy?
Gabriel: There are some people who are just... linked to him. He can control them. Uses them to protect his targets from outside influence or make sure they're all in the same place when he takes them. He always seems to respond faster when someone linked is involved.
(I don't know how long I stayed silent here. I think Gabriel and Charles thought that I had gone catatonic or somethin.)
Me: You were right about me Gabriel. I mean, I didn't know. I just figured it out. But...
Gabriel: How long has it been happening?
Me: It's not like it came on all of a sudden. Maybe since I first saw him. I don't know. The point is, I hate what you guys do, but I don't trust myself around Anya anymore. I just want her to be safe.
Gabriel: How much of that is you?
Me: I don't know.
(Gabriel just nods)
Gabriel: I'll tell Lazarus. He'll think of something.
Me: Thanks, by the way.
Gabriel: For what?
Me: Not rubbing being right in my face.
Gabriel: I could if you want.
Me: No, I'm good.

And that's pretty much it. Against my better judgement, I'm back in with the Noctis. This might be the best time to ask questions if anybody has suggestionss.

In which I am not a liar

Ok, so that's a lie. I am a liar. I lie to people a lot. Mostly about stupid stuff, like whether or not I've eaten today. But I do have a bit of a reputation of lying. Aspies can't be dishonest my ass.

But I haven't lied here. At least not one that's lasted more than three seconds. Lying here just seems wrong. Bending the perspective of things and omitting some information is a bit different. And I have done that a bit. Well, a lot.

When I was in middle school, I read the diary of Anne Frank. Ever since then, I've always wondered if someone years down the line would find my writing and publish it. And since then, I've cared about the kind of person I come off as to the world when I write. Even in those journals that no one is supposed to read. Especially in blogs, where I want people to like me. And when all this stuff happened with Anya, there was so much going on that I could avoid this tiny little problem and most likely nobody noticed.

But it's a whole lot more than a tiny problem now. Today proved that.

I was at work earlier today. Which means that it started out boring, and it stayed boring for quite a while. I was pretty certain it was going to end that way when the voices in my head cut out and there was nothing but silence.

You have to understand what it's like having that noise in your head all day. It gnaws at you, wears you down, makes you willing to do anything for just a moment for it all to stop. And he provides that. I looked out the window, and I saw him. Just waiting, like always. I stared at him and I couldn't look away.

I mentioned once that when I saw him first he reminded me of how I felt about Darth Vader. And he does. But fear is not the only thing that I fear when I look at either of them. Sure, the fear is the main feeling. But there's an awe there. A recognition that the figure before me holds a power that I don't know of, and could never have. Even as I find myself terrified, he commands respect. And I give it to him.

I only stopped looking at him because my coworker Juan had grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the street I had been walking into. It was empty and the crosswalk was on my side, but it was still unnerving to realize what I had been doing.

I remember it all. I know that I walked there on my own, and I have no missing time whatsoever. But this has made me realize something that I have been wondering for a while but never had any proof of.  I am not in control of myself, he is. It's possible he has been for a while.

The voices are back now. I can understand some of what they're saying. Steve L. Martin. Larry E. Stone. John J. Clark. I don't know what they mean, or why I'm hearing them. But they unnerve me, both for the fact that I'm hearing them and that they're driving me towards the being that I hate the most.

So no more lies or half truths or omissions. It's too late for that.

In which I am a moron

It is sort of amazing what someone will do when they're desperate. I'm desperate right now. The only chance I had of saving Anya just ended up being more of the same bullshit and horror that every other option I've taken ended up being. I am wondering if perhaps I should stop trying. Whatever he does to do her can't possibly be bad enough for me to be fighting him this hard. And yet, I can't stop. I need to protect Anya. I'm the only one who really will. So I listened to Maurice. I really need to stop clutching on to every option that's presented to me. But I'm gullible like that I guess. Some stupid part of my brain refuses to give up hope.

Maurice suggested that I do something unexpected in order to draw his attention away from Anya. Of course, thinking of something unexpected was the hard part. I can barely figure out what is expected of me, let alone the opposite. Most of the time I just wander around doing my own thing and try not to care if it's a little off what people are supposed to do.

So I donned my beat up second hand black trenchcoat and skipped off to the nature trail next to my house. The one with lots of trees.

Stupid? Suicidal? Yeah, I know. But breaking this rule was the one thing I managed to think of. Maybe it was not original enough, maybe something else was going on, but he never showed. I walked deep into the woods, I spun around and yelled and made some pretty awesome limericks that I hopefully remember. It didn't matter. I am just not that interesting. Of course, what would I have done if he had actually shown up? Fight him? Make a deal?

No. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of chicken shit in general. And he terrifies me. I read a lot of blogs and watch a lot of vlogs and stuff. How do they do it? And now I know, it's not because they had to. I have to, and look what I'm doing. Running around spouting poetry in the woods, trying to convince myself that something will work.

When I walked home, there was an accident on my street. Three cars. One of them was wrapped around a tree.

Silence.

In which I learn how to pay the piper

It was raining pretty badly today. I wore a light gray jacket to work this morning, so I was soaked by the time that I got home. But it was silent the whole way. I've begun to love that silence, need it, even though I know perfectly well what that silence is.

Everything is messed up now. The world turned upside down when I wasn't looking or something. And somehow, all the hope I had just vanished.

I'm not making sense. I know I'm not making sense, but I am having serious troubles trying to adjust things in my head. It's all I can do to not sit in a corner and rock back and forth.

Yesterday I met with the Noctis. We were making plans, although they were still dodging around what I was helping them with. They started looking over the names we had written down, started mapping out bus routes and car pathways, and set something they called 'The exchange' for June 15th. When I heard it, I thought that is sounded far away. But it's close. Far too close.

I began to feel a little sick to my stomach, so I excused myself to the restroom. When I came back out, everyone but Lazaurs seemed to have cleared out. Yeah, it was that bad.

(so, this is our conversation. Weirdly enough, I can remember some of what I said word for word. Not all of it, and only me, but maybe I'm getting better at this memorizing for script purposes thing.)

Lazarus: Are you all right?
Me: Yeah, just have some stomach issues.
Lazarus: What is your family history like?
Me: Uh... that's kind of random.
Lazarus: Not neccesarily.
Me: Kind of sucky. Cancer, Diabetes, Schizophrenia, and that's what I can remember at the moment. Why?
Lazarus: Do you know how I lost my leg? (I shook my head) (Have I mentioned that he has a prosthetic leg? I probably should have. He had lousy doctors do it, too. It's why he walks funny.) It was a few years before I met Gabriel. We had an exchange go bad, which happens sometimes. The thing got a hold of my leg.
Me: And tore it off?
Lazarus: No. Nothing that dramatic. You've read some of the blog, you know he can cause sickness right?
(I nod, although at this point I'm wishing he'd just get to the point. In the real conversation, I think we were like eight tangents from wherever we started.) It can be more than just a cough. My leg developed gangrene, and spread too fast for the doctors to save it. They say it was an unexpected complication from my diabetes. I've met others with similar fates. I've seen people die of an illness before my eyes.
Me: So what, you think my illness is because of him?
Lazarus: I just want you to know the risks.
Me: Lazarus, what happens at an exchange?
(he pauses for a bit)
Lazarus: I guess you deserve to know.We haven't yet managed to find a way to stop this monster completely. But he can be reasoned with.
Me:  ..... what?
Lazarus: If given enough incentive, he will leave his chosen target alone.
(Things were really starting to not sit right about here.)
Me: And what exactly is this incentive?
Lazarus: It fluctuates, but I'd average about twenty people.
(I almost threw up here.)
Me: What?
Lazarus: We choose about twenty people from nursing homes, prisons, hospitals. And we take them to a defined point, where we make an exchange with him. At which point he leaves the chosen child alone.
Me: So you're murdering twenty people for one kid?
Lazarus: These people have already lived their life, AJ. A child still has a future.
Me: It gives you no excuse to play God like this. And he'll come back. He'll always come back.
Lazarus: Gabriel has been with me for fifteen years.
Me: It doesn't mean he's forgotten. He never forgets his children.
Lazarus: It's our only choice, AJ. He is unstoppable, you know this already. This way, we can at least give them some sort of life. You want to protect Anya, don't you?
Me: Not like this.

I left then. Shortly afterwards I did throw up, though I don't know if it was my stomach or the conversation's fault. But all I know now, and all I can really think of is one simple fact:

Anya's doomed.

In which a mother weeps

I'm not quite sure when I went to do that Noctis thing. Three days ago? Four? Time has kind of been running together. Between my work and the Noctis and Anya and Mom telling me to do stuff, I just don't have enough brain cells to figure out timelines. Plus, that's kind of tedious.

So, I'm not sure when it happened. But it happened. And it was a total let down. The address was a nursing home, and I spent several hours writing down the names of old people. The minute I think I'm going to learn something, and they go make me do something stupid like that. They've been sending me all over doing silly stuff like that, and I really hate them for it. I mean, Anya's in danger here. I don't care if you don't trust me, let me help somehow. Or at the very least don't send me on wild goose chases pretending that it's important.

Anya gets out of school for the summer in a week. I'm not sure whether that makes her more or less safe. All I know is that things are slowly building. And it's sort of freaking me out, to be honest. That's probably why I'm so frustrated at this pointless running around. It's like the Noctis aren't even trying to save her.

The only one who seems remotely honest with me is Llorona, and even she seems obsessed with these stupid errands. It turns out that she really was fine. She made sure that Anya was ok during the fire, then high tailed it out of there. I thought it was kind of silly until she told me why she joined the Noctis. She also gave me permission to tell it to you guys. She talked, I typed, I copy and pasted it here. On her request, I took out proper nouns. But aside from that, this is how she told it. Ok, I edited it a bit. Not the story, just some of the wording and sentence structure and stuff. I meant no disrespect at all. Actually, I feel a bit weird about posting this, but Llorona wanted me to. She said that if people really were reading this, they should know.

Llorona's Tale:
You don't really get a life working for the Noctis. Anyone you talk to could possibly be the next person you're trying to protect. So you stay aloof, you don't make friends, you only talk when neccesary. I've heard the others complain about it, but I've never minded.

I had a life once. I had a husband and two children. Two beautiful, wonderful children. My husband and I both worked at the elementary school our children went to. I loved teaching, and children. I thought that my life was perfect and perhaps it was. But over time, something strange began to happen to my husband. It was subtle at first, and I only really notice now that I look back. But he was changing, little by little. His emotions dulled, his opinions began to shift, and at night when he thought I was asleep he would sneak into our children's room and whisper about how he would protect them until the shadow was ready for them. I stood in the hallway listening to him, but I did nothing. I still thought that he was the man that I loved. This inaction killed my children.

It was a spring morning. I seem to remember it being a beautiful day. It started without warning. I smelt smoke about the same time the alarms went off, and the fire was in the classroom shortly after that. I can't say that fire drills aren't helpful, because they saved my life. But they don't prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for the smoke and the heat and the sound of screaming children.

I tried to keep my class calm as I led them out the route we had practiced. On the way, shortly before the exit there was a hallway that seemed to be without fire of any sort. We had almost gotten through it when my husband blocked our way. The monster was behind him and I couldn't tear myself away from those eyes. I could hear my husband mumbling over and over. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to.' The man behind him... stretched. And several children of my class began to walk towards him. I tried to stop them, but they kept on walking and I could only hold a few back at a time. Eventually, all that walked towards him disappeared with the monster.

My husband was still mumbling that he was sorry over and over. That and the monster was all I could think of. It took me to realize that he was carrying a fire axe. Three children were gone before I could take it from him. It didn't stop him, and he had strangled another before I forced him to stop.

I didn't kill my husband. He was already dead. But I killed my children by not noticing.

Twenty children died from the fire, they say. How many was the smoke and how many was my husband I do not know. Twelve children were never found, mine among them. Usually I can handle schools. Before everything, I had found them comforting.But that's what he does. He takes what is safe and turns it against you. Your home, your family, even your mind. He burns it away until it's ash. A school on fire is different than just a school. A school on fire is His.

I'm sorry for leaving Anya. But I can't go through that again. I have lost enough.

In which there are fires

I feel like I should start this off by saying that no one's hurt or dead or anything. There was fire, but everyone's ok. So you don't have to wait around wondering if anybody died or something. Because they didn't. Some creepy stuff did happen though.

I probably should have realized something was going on when the voices stopped. But I was so busy being completely overjoyed that my head was quiet for once that I didn't really think about it. The voices in my head are driving me crazy (huh. Never imagined I'd ever need to use that line). It's like Tenitis, always there and bugging the hell out of me. So when it stopped, the silence was all I really focused on. However, a few minutes after they stopped, a person came into my work, asked me for a glass of water, then stepped back outside.

I went outside with the water to find a burning tree. It wasn't completely engulfed or anything, but I could see some flames at the base of the tree and some smoke billowing off it. I just stood there staring at it until somebody took the water from me and put the tree out. I'm a huge help in a crisis.

Before I went back into work, I looked around. He was hard to find at first. I'm not sure how something so striking can fade into the background as easily as he can, but I never truly see him all the way at first. He sneaks up on me despite standing still, as if I can only see him when he wishes me to. He looked at me for a quick moment and then he was gone. Someone had put the fire out, and the voices started to come back.

Can't say I was the best worker for the rest of the day. I'll admit, I was kinda freaked out. I know it was a small thing and everything, but that didn't seem to matter. And things just got worse from there. When I got off work, I discovered that Charles had left a voice mail.

Apparently there had been a fire at Anya's school. If I have it all worked out in my head right, it wasn't very long after my own fire. It only took out a couple classrooms, but it was a fire nonetheless. I talked to Anya about it afterwards. She said that it was after school had cleared out so there weren't many people around but she was only about twenty feet or so from the building when it started. He was there, though I hadn't really expected anything else. A handful of kids were injured too, but no serious wounds or fatalities so I doubt it will make big news.

And apparently Llorona (I've been spelling it wrong this whole time) disappeared. She was supposed to be walking Anya home from school today since I was at work. Usually she's a dependable person, though I'm a tad jealous of her because Anya seems to like her more than me. So I thought that something bad had happened to her. Charles didn't seem to think it was a big deal though, and said that Llorona just gets emotional about fires, especially at schools. If she ends up being ok I'll have to ask her about that. But it did mean that Anya was alone at my house for several hours, and I really hate doing that to her.

Also, Charles called me a bit later and told me that he had been talking to Lazarus about the fire. Due to him actually doing things now, Lazarus thinks that they need to do... whatever they're doing faster. And since Llorona is nowhere to be found, they said I could tag along. I have an address, we're doing something tomorrow. Maybe they'll bother to let me know what the hell is going on.

In which I get very close to actual raeg

I am spending a lot of time with the Noctis recently. I think that's partially because I still have no friends and I'm dying to have someone who will talk to me, and partially because I'm really worried about Anya. Every day I wake up and wonder if he's going to stop just waiting. The Noctis say that there's a way to save her, and I'm desperate enough to believe them. For one thing, they seem like they know what they're doing.

And there's Gabriel of course.

I hate Gabriel. Gabriel hates me first. Actually, I think he might have started the hating but either way it amounts to the same thing: He's a jerk. Yet for some reason, him and Charles are who I deal with the most. That's because Charles is supposed to be leading this 'case' or something. But it's his first time, so Gabriel is hanging around and being annoying. I threw ice water in his face once. I felt bad about it afterwards, but when I get mad I either do stupid things or nothing at all. Around Gabriel, it's usually the stupid things option.

He accused me of being a spy. That's why I drenched him. Apparently usually when they deal with kids like Anya, the children have no idea what's going on. They're infected by a different person who's heard of him, an online blogger or such. But there's a delay. So usually by the time the noctis come around the leak has been gone for six months or so. I am still here, and it happened almost immediately, so Gabriel seems to think that I am really working for him and trying to take apart the noctis instead of save Anya.

I did feel bad about the water, but he sort of deserved it. I want to help her more than he does. I think Gabriel only does this because he feels he owes it something.

That's the one thing about Gabriel. Apparently he was almost taken. The Noctis saved him, and Lazarus adopted him. Which means that whatever they're doing, it works. And so I am putting a lot of faith in these guys, despite the fact that they're all crazy and Gabriel's a douchebag.

For the first time in a while, I've got hope. And that's worth holding on to.

In which I devolve into a fangirl

ZEKE STRAHM IS IN MARYLAND! Ok, so I'm not quite sure where in Maryland, but most of that state is WAY close to my house. Mostly because of Metro. Metro is awesome. So Zeke Strahm is with easily travelable (is that a word?) distance from me and it is TOTALLY SURREAL.

Oh, and I hope Celie is ok. And he doesn't get into more bad things. I'm trying to be concerned but HE'S GONNA BE SO CLOSE! Hey, if any of my readers know anybody who knows Zeke by some weird twist of fate, can you ask him if he wants to meet for lunch or something? Just for an hour or two? Ok, I sound like a crazy stalker now. But seriously, ZEKE FUCKING STRAHM.

Well, it seemed that this revelation has saved this blog, because while stuff has been happening I haven't really been writing about it. It's that flaky thing coming up again I guess. So I don't think normal narrative is going to work very well to fill you guys in. You guys are gonna have to deal with straight up exposition. Sorry.

Ok, first things first, I've been spending a fair amount of time with the Noctis. I don't like all of them, but at the moment they're Anya's best shot. Apparently Noctis Custodes has been around for a LONG time. Like Egypt time. And the point of them is to rescue children from, well you know. How exactly that works I don't know. They won't tell me. Their eyes narrow whenever I ask. The Noctis are everywhere. Well, a lot of places anyway. Although there are usually only two or three in each branch. I think a prerequisite of getting in is being completely nuts, because even the ones I like are off their rocker.

He's waiting for something. I don't know what, but it's why he hasn't done anything yet. I used to complain about how sometimes he didn't do anything. It made him seem like less of a threat. But actually, he's just patient. In no rush. Whatever he's after is going to happen, and that unearthly certainty has been hanging over me for a week or so.

Also, the voices stop around him. There's only silence.

In which Murphy is proven correct

I consider my handful of readers the clever type, so you guys have probably figured out that some bad stuff has happened recently just by looking at the title. It's mostly why this post took so long. I'm going to make a short list of some of the stuff I've been going through.

-My computer charger broke
-The guys who shipped it made a mistake, so it took longer
-My new manager at my job hates me
-I still don't have any friends in D.C. sans a ten year old.
-Said ten year old is now at my house four days a week due to Theresa having issues again.
-I'm walking her home when I'm not at work.
-He's come to Anya's house.
-And mine
-The Noctis are a bunch of assholes, apparently.
-I'm sick. I think it's a flu or something
-My nightmares are getting worse
-David apparently wants to join the Noctis. DONT YOU IDIOT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO GET INVOLVED ITS HORRIBLE AND SUICIDE AND YOURE MY FRIEND DAMMIT

I think I'm going to write about what's going on with Anya, and the noctis, and all that. But I feel like if I put it all in one post it would be too much to process. So my next few posts are going to be catch up stuff. But I'm alive, just in case you guys were worrying about me. Or something.

In which I make a decision

Anya came back. She knocked on my door at about two in the morning on yesterday, shivering and crying her eyes out. She woke up my mom, and the two of us called the police and Theresa and all that. Then we folded out the couch and I sat with her for about half an hour until she went to sleep. She talked until she was too tired to say anything. I mostly listened. I still wanted to tell her so many things, but it didn't really work out that way. I did manage to tell her that I was sorry though.

She talked about a lot of things for that half hour or so. She talked about fairy tales and kids at school and what had happened to her when she had run away and how she didn't know who to trust or if anyone could help her. It was a frenzied, melancholy little monologue and honestly a little depressing. So I just held her and listened.

I feel slightly horrible, but for a while I had hoped that he had taken her. After all, no one really knows what happens to the children once they disappear. I always thought it was something bad, but maybe he just takes them somewhere else. Maybe it's better than here. It's probably better than him just waiting, slowly chipping away at the emotions of a child. What is he waiting for? I wish it was over already, it's the not knowing that's truly painful.

All I really know is that after seeing Anya this scared broken mess in front of me, I wanted her suffering to end. I wanted her to stop being scared. And I'd do anything to make sure it did.

I'm going to find one of the Noctis. I'm going to find out what they know, and what they can do for her and I won't take no for an answer. It's the least I can do for Anya.

In which I am a royal fuck up

I'm in a weird mood right now. I feel like all my emotions have been shuffled to the right, and I'm not exactly responding the way I should be. Perhaps this is because I'm tired or because I'm stressed or because I am working for the first time in my life. It might be because I have been hearing whispers for days on end now like a fuzzy radio station that I can't turn off. I can't even make out what it's saying except for the number 10 and the letter W. Apparently these disembodied mumblings host Sesame Street.

See? I'm hearing voices and I'm making cracks about it. And I haven't even gotten to the worst part. Let's hope I don't collapse into a laughing fit.

I roll silverware at work. It's something to do other than stare at the menu and wonder who the heck came up with the word Zinfadel. It's also really really easy. Even someone with coordination as poor as me can pick it up without much trouble. I fold to the side of the restuarunt instead of in the kitchen like the servers so that I can keep an eye on the door. And that's where I was, rolling silverware into flimsy napkins, when somebody touched me on the shoulder.

I have to admit, Charles is getting much better at sneaking up on people.

Our conversation:

Me: Don't you have another resturaunt you could go to?
Charles: I'm not here to eat. Have you seen Anya?
Me: Not since yesterday. Why?
Charles: She's missing.
Me: What?
Charles: Her mother called the cops a couple hours ago. Did anything happen last night?
Me: No, things were fine.

Ok, so that was a total lie. Last night was kind of rocky, actually. But it wasn't from anything I thought that the Cool Coat Club would be interested in. Anya and I got into a fight. And I'll tell you right now, fighting with a ten year old is the most exasperating thing ever. The whole thing wavered between yelling, a crying fit, an almost clever guilt trip, and a long period where she didn't say a thing and just stared at me.

Her problem was that she held me responsible for being 'hunted' (that was her term). She didn't want me to sit her anymore. I didn't have anything to say to that.

Well, I had plenty of things to say to that. I just didn't say them. When I get particularly emotional, I can't form my thoughts into word. Mostly I just sat there staring at her as she raged at me. About half an hour after she stalked into her room, I started talking to the spot where she was about how I knew I was responsible but I deeply cared about her and was going to do everything I could to keep her safe even though I had no idea how to do that.

This isn't because of my weird mood, by the way. I've always done this. It got me in trouble way too many times in my childhood.

So, when I left this morning she was still angry at me and didn't say a word. And I still couldn't manage to say anything. And now she's missing.

I should mention that I do care. The responsibility and the fear and all of that is still running around my head. I'm just taking it remarkably calmly. I almost made a joke about it, but figured that it was in poor taste. I'm doing everything I can to find her. So are the noctis. And really, that's all we can do.

And on a side note, my work is a brain killer. It's my frontrunner guess for why I'm so odd.

In which some stalkers are considerably less cryptic (but still not clear)

I have had a really surreal day.

To start things off, I have a job finally! I meant to tell you guys that earlier, but this whole thing with Anya has been on my mind. Plus, it hasn't been all that long since I've got it. Today was my first day. I sort of got the hang of it by the end of my shift, which tells me that it's probably going to be a boring job. But it's work, so I am totally cool with that.

The weirdness actually started at my work. I was just leaning against the host pedestal thing, occupying myself by trying to find all the items on the menu that start with 'Z', when a group came in. So, that isn't really anything out of the ordinary. People come into resturaunts all the time, that's sort of what they're there for. But one of the people who was in the group happened to be Charles.

Yep. That Charles. He seemed to be just as surprised as me, and sort of tried to slink away. The rest of the group seemed a little shocked, too.That's when I realized that I recognized two of the others that were with him. They were there when Anya and I went to the Smithsonian. The other two people with them, a woman and an old man, were unfamiliar to me. But it was still weird, and got my paranoia senses up. My shift ended before they had finished eating, and I waited outside for them. Apparently they had been expecting that, because they didn't seem all that bothered about talking to me.

This is a very... enlightening conversation. It was also very complicated and long and I don't think I did a very good job turning it into a script. This would be the most boring movie scene ever.

Also, they all gave me names in the course of the conversation. Well, not they're real names, but funny weird code names work well enough. So before I launch into this very odd talk, I'm going to list out who they are and a brief description. Mostly so that I don't get lost myself.

Thor: One of the men I recognized. Doesn't really look like Thor. Actually, he kind of reminds me of Professor Plum from the Clue games. He's got Harold Lloyd glasses and a light brown coat that looks pretty worn.

Gabriel: The other man I recognized. He wasn't wearing a coat at all. Weird guy. He and Charles are probably the youngest of this group. I'd say they're both twenty-five or so. Probably. I didn't ask.

Yorona: I have no idea how to spell it. I barely know how to pronounce it. I think it might be Spanish. Maybe. She was about forty or so and had on a light gray jacket.

Lazarus: I think he's probably eighty or so, but like all of this, it's guesswork. I'm bad at ages. He walks really funny and has this long black trenchcoat and a wide brimmed hat. He sort of looked epic.

Charles: Well, we all know him. Still wins the award for greatest coat ever.

All right, on to the conversation.

Me: Hey.
Charles: I already told you, I can't tell you anything.
Me: I'm not asking anything.
Charles: Oh.
Me: Actually, I need to tell you something. Whatever you're doing, you're in way over your head.
Lazarus: I assure you Miss, we're very well prepared.
Me: Not for this.
Lazarus: Would you care to elaborate?
(Oh, random tidbit. I imagine Lazarus talking in a British accent. He doesn't actually have a British accent, but it does suit him)
Me: You wouldn't believe me if I did.
Lazarus: Let me hazard a guess. You have seen the man following Anya.
Me: Yes. But...
Yorona: It isn't a man. We know.
Me: WHAT! YOU KNEW? (I think I might have sworn a bit here.)
Lazarus: That's exactly why we're here. And I thank you kindly for trying to warn us, but we do know what we're doing. Anya's in good hands.
Me: Are you seriously telling me that you know how to defeat the slenderman?
(At that moment, they all sort of got quiet.)
Me: What?
Thor: How long have you known about him?
Me: I dont know. Since January I think. Why?
Gabriel: That's a bit too soon. Maybe it's just a coincidence.
Yorona: Not neccesarily. She could be linked.
Gabriel: That's still very soon. It doesn't add up. (they argued like this, with me having any idea what was going on until Lazarus interrupted them.)
Lazarus: Has Anya read anything about the slender man? Watched Marble Hornets? Anything that might give her information?
Me: Yes. It was an accident though.
Yorona: She's in danger whether it was an accident or not.
(Ability to make me feel like crap award goes to Yorona)
Me: You said you can help her? Who are you?
Thor: Noctis Custodes.
Lazarus: We're really just the D.C. branch. The Noctis are everywhere. But we are here to help. We might not be able to save Anya but we can try.
Me: How?
Lazarus: I'm afraid we can't tell you that. You already know enough to be in danger.
Me: I want to help.
Charles: You've already helped. Now that we know that he really is involved, we can get started. Keep Anya calm. Can you do that?
Me: Yeah.
Lazarus: We'll let you know if you can do anything else.

And then they left.

Somehow, I'm more confused than when there were just creepy guys stalking a ten year old.

I know what I sound like now. Even though I've been rambling about Slender Man for months now, even though I sort of always believed in him, showing up and stalking Anya is just odd. And I feel like I should be running around saying that it didn't happen, or I'm going crazy or something. David mentioned that it was slightly unbelievable. I agree with him.

But I know what I saw.

I did take a few days off of the computer just to clear my head. But it didn't really help. I've been having nightmares again. I thought that I was finished with that, but now I can't close my eyes without having surreal images of black walls flashing behind them. I hear things sometimes, just little whisperings that don't seem to actually make words.

And Anya isn't scared any more. I thought that this would be a good thing, but what she is now is something beyond fear.  Beyond hope. It's depressing, and I wish I knew what to do to help her. But I'm nothing special. I don't think that I can help her.

I have felt useless many times in my life, but this is the worst.

In which I understand

I shouldn't be writing. It's irresponsible. And silly. I doubt any of you care. And if you do, that's worse. If I could, I would delete this blog. Turn around and forget. Make everyone forget with me. But I can't. I can't talk to anyone. Can't deal with what's happened on my own. So I write. I write and I send it out to the internet, where I hope that no one who doesn't already know finds it. I write because I don't know what else to do.

Anya has been lying to me.

It isn't anything big, or anything I really blame her for, but I feel like I could have helped her more if she had told me everything. I probably couldn't have, but the thought's still there.

I'm at her house, by the way. She's sitting next to me, eating microwave popcorn and being the sulky new Anya I've come to know these past few weeks. And now I know why.

I thought that it would be a good idea to drop by her school today. Thought she'd like someone to walk home with. I got there a little early, and was just waiting. Nothing else to do but wait. That's when I saw him.

He was standing to the side of a tree, just staring at the school patiently. Just waiting too. I didn't see him at first. He was a few feet away, blending in. Just waiting. Then I looked over, and he looked at me too.

Do you remember seeing Star Wars for the first time? Specifically towards the beginning, with the entrance of Darth Vader. When I first saw that, it was as if all the air in the room had rushed out, and all that was left was this dark menacing figure. Nobody fictional or real had done this to me since.

Except today.

He looked mostly like I thought he would, of course. Tall, thin, dressed in a black business suit. He did have a face, like Anya had said, but I can't actually tell you what they looked like. The descriptions slipped from my head the moment I saw him, and none of his features were memorable.Except for his eyes.

Those eyes.

I can't even remember what they looked like, but they stared into me. They stared through me.I've forgotten them, but I'll always remember.

God, that doesn't even make sense.

I don't know how long we stared at each other. All I remember is snapping back to reality when someone took my hand. It was Anya.

"Don't worry." she said, "He won't do anything yet." And then we went home.

This isn't a bald man stalking Anya. It isn't human at all. Anya knew of course, there is no way not to know. But she didn't want to worry anyone too much. Didn't want anyone to call her crazy.

So she lied.

But she doesn't have to lie any more. I saw him, and I believe her now.

And it's my fault.

In which a stalker is cryptic

Anya went back to school today, which gave me a lot more free time but also a lot less money. And she's still one of the few people I know in D.C. I should really start trying to make friends. But anyway, her being at school means that I went job hunting some more. I ate lunch at the California Tortilla Factory. And from the corner of my eye, I saw Charles. Apparently he's following me now.

I admit, whenever I thought about confronting him, it was sort of like an action sequence. I'd address him, and then he'd start running and I'd have to chase him through the city or something. Ok, so maybe I watch too many films. I'm a huge fan of the dramatic. Which is probably why talking to him was pretty anticlimactic. I picked up my burrito, and sat down next to him. He looked up, and we had this convesation:

Charles: Is this the first time you've seen me?
Me: No. I've seen you a lot.
Charles: (curses a bit) I'm sorry.
Me: For following Anya and me, or getting caught?
Charles: Both I guess. I don't mean either of you harm.
Me: You're scaring Anya. So whether or not you mean harm, you're certainly causing it. If I see you again, I'm calling the cops.
Charles: Who do you think called me in the first place?(I didn't have much to say to that) Look, I would do this the standard way if I could, but any interaction with Anya could make things worse. Until we know that we can help her, we have to have as little contact as possible.
Me: We? (he doesn't answer) And what are you talking about?
Charles: I can't tell you. But I'm the good guy. Please just trust me on this.
(So this is paraphrased from a fifteen minute conversation. But I think I got the basic gist of it down)

Right, like I'm gonna trust a stalker. He left then, and I finished my burrito and left shortly afterwards. And I don't care what he said, I am calling the cops if I see him again.

Still, lots of questions. And he didn't really answer any, either. I want to hit him with a shovel.

Hard.

In which the cherry blossoms bloom

So, babysitting Anya's still my only job, no one seems to be able to track down the guy who's following her, Theresa is recovering but still not quite in perfect shape, and I'm starting to get these really awful stomach cramps every once in a while. And yet, I'm feeling pretty good. Why?

Because the cherry blossom festival has started.

This is the first time that I've gotten to see them. Mom moved to D.C. during the cherry blossom festival last year, but I didn't visit her until the summer. And I figured it would be pretty, but I really wasn't prepared for just how gorgeous this city is at springtime.

Yesterday, I took Anya to a 'Stand for Japan' event that was pretty much a charity thing for the relief effort going on in Japan right now. It was really really cold and my California sensibilities caused me to not realize that my coat wasn't warm enough. And they started an hour later than they said they would. But it put a lot of things into perspective hearing people talk about the earthquakes and tsunami and nuclear plant issue. I can get pretty apathetic at times. I get so wrapped up in what's going on with my life, or my next writing project, or whatever that I forget what's going on with me. Which is awful because when I do pay attention, I'd like to think I'm a pretty empathic person. I really do try to help.

Lately, I've been worried about Anya, and my lack of a proper job, and how I flunked out of school while people overseas were dying. I can't really blame myself, though. It's a human thing to do and it's a crazy world out there. And I can't really do much, being in America and all. All I can really do is donate a ton, which I did after the speakers had finished.

When all the talking was done, we took a walk around Tidal Basin where most of the trees were. Anya didn't seem to want to go at first, since it was a long walk and I had accidentally given her a fear of trees. But I did manage to get her to go, and I don't think that either of us regretted it.

Those flowers were the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen. I really suck at descriptions, so I feel like whatever I say will just make it sound silly. But it was about sunset when we started and the light was bouncing off of the clear lake while we were completely surrounded by white and pale pink blossoms. Some were low hanging, or dipped into the water. And there's just something about those trees. They are just so... hopeful somehow. And I felt like despite all the horrible stuff in the world, there would be an end somehow.

I think Anya felt it too because as we walked she began acting a bit more like herself. By the end of it she was running ahead of me, talking a million miles an hour and actually smiling for the first time in days. And she almost pushed me into the water. She can be a serious turd sometimes. The whole thing wore us both out, which is why I'm talking about all of this today instead of yesterday. I think that we needed that though. Everything has been so tense lately.

Then again, there are good reasons for that. Just this evening, I swear I saw Charles passing by Anya's house.

In which things get worse

I was going to post Sunday. I was going to post Monday too. But posting's been a bit far from my mind. And nothing sudden has happened. It's all just started to slowly decline. Everything that's happened in these past three days wasn't really a surprise. There were signs everywhere. I just only saw them once they got really obvious.

For one thing, I'm writing this at my house. I haven't been to Anya's house since Sunday. Then again, neither has Anya. She's been spending time over here while her mother deals with some things. I really hate to talk bad about Theresa because I really like her. So I won't. You really don't need to know her story. Just know that people deal with stress differently. The way Theresa deals with it just often leads to more problems. Mom's been checking in with her, so she'll probably be ok.

The whole thing with her mom hasn't been helping Anya, though. She hasn't told me about seeing anyone any more, but she doesn't really talk a lot. She just sits around and draws. And yeah, the drawings are pretty creepy. I mean, it's not standard 'SEES ME' junk or anything, but the pied piper in some of her drawings has a few too many arms. The pictures are creepy, but the silence is worse. This girl used to talk my ear off and run around in circles and throw mud at me (ok, so that only happened once). Now, she barely says anything.

I'm trying to help her out, since Theresa's not really in any shape to. But no matter what I do she just seems to slip farther and farther away from everyone.

I don't know what to do.

In which I actually see my house

In case anyone noticed, my layout did in fact change. I was talking to a guy about my blog, and he said that it was a bit bright. So now I'm playing around with it. I admit, I just slapped something together before. I kind of like what I have right now. Of course, it might still be a bit bright. I'm bad at that sort of thing.

The quote now in my description is from Walt Whitman, apparently. I'm not really that cultured or anything. I just hang around Dupont Circle a lot, and that quote (more of it too, but it didn't fit) is on the entrance to the Metro. I've always liked it. And my title seemed a little lonely.

So, Theresa does work a bit on Sunday, but she has Saturdays off, so I actually went home today. And talked to my mother, who I missed. And did the laundry, which I didn't miss. But it was sort of nice getting away from all the babysitting and intrigue. I'm still worried about Anya, and I'm still spinning conspiracy theories in my head. But ultimately, I liked being able to forget about it for a little. Does that make me a bad person? I don't know.

In which I have to step it up

So, I don't remember which one it was but in a previous blog post I mentioned that if five people were following I might actually care about what I was spewing out onto this blog. Well, that time has come. Five people are following me. Well, six technically. But David's following me twice. So it's really five.

Of course, I don't really have much to say. Well, that's slightly inaccurate. I have a lot of things to say. But whenever I sit in front of the computer, I wonder what exactly I should be typing? How much do my five viewers need to know?

This has gotten worse given that I was supposed to use this blog about Jensen Falls. And I'm still working on it, but with everything that's going on with Anya it just doesn't seem all that important.

She's not making it up, by the way. I thought she was for a while, and she said she saw the guy again yesterday. I haven't seen this mysterious tall guy, which makes part of my mind completely paranoid. But I am starting to believe that something weird is going on.

You see, today I took Anya and three of her friends to the Smithsonian museums. Well, the american history museum. We were going to go to others but spent so much time there that they were closing by the time we were ready to switch. The thing is, as we were heading out of Julia Childs' kitchen, I was just sort of looking around the crowd.

I saw that Charles guy.

And he wasn't just enjoying awesome history exhibits. He was being lurky, and trying to look inconspicuous. Which didn't seem to be working, but it did take me a few hours to notice him. He must be doing something right. So I didn't tell any of the kids, but sort of kept my eye on him. And he followed us. Not just him, though. Once I started looking for it, there were at least two other guys who were always in the same general area as us.

Now, I don't know. The police seemed to not think that Charles was a horrible guy, since they let him in while questioning Anya. Maybe he's a P.I. or something who is just really creepy and whose methods include stalking. But I don't like being followed, and I certainly don't like someone following a ten year old.

I feel like I somehow fell into a conspiracy. You would think it would be exciting. It's not.

In which Spring Break gives me more money

Spring break started for Anya today, which means that instead  of job hunting I was hanging out with her while her mother worked. I think Theresa would normally just let her stay by herself, but given the circumstances I have made a sort of semi-permanent home on their couch. The police came over today, as well as a weird guy in a brown coat. They introduced him as Charles somethingorother, but aside from that he just lurked in a corner and looked spooky. Since this whole mess is because Anya saw something spooky, I'm not really sure why he was there. It just freaked everybody out.

Anya's got it the worst, which makes sense. She seems afraid to leave the house, and had a pretty bad nightmare last night about black walls which rose out of the ground, the feeling of being surrounded by the dead, and her sister turning into a doll.

Apparently, what woke her up was the realization that she doesn't have a sister. Funny how dreams are.

I think I'm going to shove her out of the house at some point. I mean, I don't want her to play in alleyways or anything, but going over to a friend's house seems like a better alternative to sitting in her room being scared of trees.

In which there is general unease

I'm at Anya's house again. I feel like I spend more time here now than I do at mom's. But I'm not actually babysitting tonight. Theresa's in her room, Anya's in hers. And I'm sitting on the couch feeling like a totally horrible person.

Anya was followed home from school today.

At least, that's what she told her mom. And so Theresa called the cops and the neighborhood watch. And me. I'm not quite sure how I managed to get on the Anya Crisis List, but it seems that I am. So I came over. Is that a weird reaction? I don't know, how exactly are you supposed to react when a ten year old friend of yours might be the focus of a creeper? They didn't cover that in social skills class.

I'm only half joking about that, actually. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do.

Especially because when I asked her what the guy looked like, she answered, "Like the slender man, except with a face." So now I'm wondering if she really did see someone, or if she just saw a bald guy in a suit and her imagination took it from there. I feel like this is my fault somehow. Of course, in some ways it probably is. Introduce a child to a monster that steals children and this is something that happens.

Real or not, Anya's scared. So I called my mom and I'm staying the night. Again, I'm not sure if that's weird or not. But Theresa said that Anya feels a bit safer with me around. She yelled at me a bit first, but then she let me stay. I keep thinking that we're all overreacting. Or maybe I'm just hoping I'm overreacting. Slender man delusion or not, following kids home from school is never good.

In which I fufill a friend's request

Said friend's request being that I start all the post topics from now on with 'In which'. I kind of like it, so I'm doing that.

So, I was supposed to have an interview today. But they were busy or something, so I'm supposed to come back. Which is a ridiculous pain. And it cost me like four bucks to get there and back on the metro. You know, I love public transportation but with the amount of time I use it it becomes quite a money suck.

I got a new idea for some of the scenes in the Jensen Falls pilot, so I'm pretty much reworking mass parts of the script. No, I am not stalling so that I don't have to let go of my pet project. Why do you ask?

Seriously thoug David, I will get it to you. And I'll probably have some more Jensen Falls related stuff up soon. I've just been really busy. The only time I've really got to write is when I'm taking care of Anya.

Who incidentally just woke up and claims to have had a nightmare. so I'm gonna cut this short.

In which I'm caught wifin

Ok, so Theresa might end up being a little mad with me. Not enough to stop giving me a job, but she'll probably be kind of angry for a while. I might get yelled at.

So, to start from the beginning I'm at Theresa's house, waiting for her to get home. Thursdays are usually her not too late night, but there was an event or something at the bar she works at, so I get to stay here AND friday. It's like a sleep over only I get paid for it. I mean, I'll probably go out job hunting tomorrow while Anya's at school, but Theresa's house is sort of my base of operations for a few days. That's not the bad part.

The bad part is that I was goofing off on my laptop while Anya and I were watching Despicable Me. I am kind of a multitasker. Even with the movie, I had like twelve tabs up. So, I go to the bathroom, and when I come back Anya's looking at stuff on my laptop. I shouldn't be that surprised, she's done junk like this before. But of all the tabs that she's looking at, she just had to look at the tab I had up that showed the original slender man photos.

I just got her to bed, she was that freaked out. And I can't really blame her. Those photos did that to me, and I'm eleven years older than her. So I did what I could to alleviate the Scary. I told her about how the Slender Man originated, let her view some of an interview with Victor Surge, and showed her some of the photoshop techniques that could be used to make it.

This probably seems like a weird tactic to use, but Anya was really scared. And one of the scariest things is the unknown.  So if you take away all that mystery, the fear tends to evaporate. At least, that was what I was thinking. It seemed to work. We ended up having some interesting conversations about Him, too. This is a badly paraphrased version of one of my favorite parts:

Anya: So, he's like the pied piper?
Me: What?
Anya: The pied piper. You know, he lures children away and no one ever sees them again?
Me: Yeah, I guess he kind of is. I hadn't really thought about that.
Anya: So... has anyone tried paying him? (I burst out laughing at this point) What?
Me: It's just, there's this parody about slender man that all he really wants is twenty dollars. You know what? I'll show you.

And I did. Actually, I showed her a ton of parodies. I think she knows more of those now than the actual mythos. Which is good, because I think that this sort of stuff is a little too intense for her. It's a little too intense for me sometimes. I'm just glad Anya's a smart kid so that I could logic it through like that. Otherwise it would have been a long night.

Then again, it still might be. I hate this coat rack.

In which I get really mushy about a fictional town

So, I'm at Anya's again. Two nights in a row of babysitting sounds kind of intense until you realize that it's two nights of watching movies and dicking around on laptops. I love this job a bit more than I should.

I'm also spending the night here, because Theresa's not going to be home until late and apparently she doesn't like me taking the metro at around midnight. I guess that makes sense. And I don't really mind crashing on the couch. It's a really nice couch, actually. Very squishy.

On other notes, I have been writing! The pilot of Jensen Falls is really close to being done, and then I can ship it off to David. He's already doing casting, apparently. I really should be excited about that. And I guess I am. But ultimately, I'm sort of conflicted about it.

You see, Jensen Falls is my baby, and I'm kind of protective over it. The problem is everyone else involved in it is on the opposite side of the country. So I can't really work on it like I want to. I'm not really good at letting go of stuff like that. Which is pretty funny because usually my coping mechanism is to cut all my losses and run off to something easier.

But there are some things that I really do want to see through to the end. If I could, I would teleport over to California and be a super director/writer/actor/superhero. But I can't and it sucks.

Then again, it is going to be in Bryan and David's hands. They're pretty reliable people. And I know I can count on them. I just wish I could be more involved.

And.... Theresa's coat rack looks like Slenderman. This is going to be a long night.

BLURB!

I am not typing this from my house. Not that it really matters, since this is a laptop. And I have typed things all over the place. But this is the first time I've posted from Theresa and Anya's house, so go me. Anya's asleep, and Theresa will be home in about an hour. So I'm just hanging out in a strange apartment typing away on my laptop.

Yeah, so today was babysitting Anya: day one. It wasn't that bad, although Anya talked my ear off about horses. She has a thing about horses. And vampire romance novels. And fairy tales. Anya's a bit of a weird kid, but it was fun.

I also went job hunting, and got lost in the middle of the city. And took pictures of churches with my cell phone. It's been a bit of a weird day.

Update and my lack of original titles

It rained today. Which was gross. I really hate weather. Can you tell I spent a lot of time in California? Yeah, any kind of weather is gross to me. However, the awfulness of today can not dampen how amazing my weekend is.

For one thing, I didn't have to job hunt. That sort of makes me amazingly ecstatic. But also, on Saturday I got to see Theresa and Anya. I think I mentioned that in the last post. Them, me, and my mother all saw I am Number Four, which for a PG-13 movie had a ridiculous amount of people under twelve in the audience. But hey, that's how things go I guess. It was an okish movie. I just liked hanging out with people I know that aren't exclusively my mother. They may have a ten year age difference on me in each direction, but Theresa and Anya are pretty darn cool. Ok, so Theresa has a mouth on her and Anya follows suit, but they're both ridiculously intelligent, practical, and generally nice people. And I think I've been pretty lonely since I've moved out to D.C. So I watched a cheesy movie with people way out of my age range and it rocked. Sue me.

And Sunday I ushered for Shakespeare in Klingon. Which was pretty much Star Trek meets Shakespeare meets Linguistics meets awesome humor. And I like all of those things greatly. And Stephen Fry was there for a documentary for the BBC. I frickin love Stephen Fry. The only really bad thing about Sunday was that I swear I was followed home. I mean, I didn't see anyone and so far no one's tried to murder me in the shower. But I felt like there were eyes on me, you know? I think I creeped out a cute asian boy who was walking near me because I kept looking over my shoulder. Poor guy.

Oh! I can't believe I forgot to say this, because this is totally important. You know how I used to babysit Anya? IT'S BACK ON! So even if I am a lost cause who never gets a job, I can look after her. That will give me some money at least. And she's an independent sort, so really I'm just somebody of legal age to be there in case something weird happens. It pretty much translates to more laptop time.

And everyone knows I'm cool with that.

I feel awesome!

So, while I haven't really been saying it I've been having a bit of an issue with slowly sinking into a giant pit of awful depression. But today, I got out of that and I intend to stay that way for a while. Why? Well, because I actually did stuff.

I know, that sounds silly. But it helped a bundle. Accomplishment is the best pick-me-up known to man. Finally being able to access your bank accounts is probably also up there. I had been agonizing over my account issues for a while, but I fixed them today. Which is completely awesome. And I applied for a couple more jobs which will hopefully hire me.

And I talked to Theresa

I guess I should probably clarify that last part. You see, I used to babysit a kid named Anya back when I lived in California. Her mom Theresa and my mom were friends, as well as friends with another mother of a girl I babysat. It was a whole social circle thing. However, Anya and her mom moved out of California a year or two before I did. Guess where?

That's right, D.C.

Given that I am completely incapable of being friends with people my own age, I hit it off pretty well with both Theresa and Anya. So when I moved out here, I sort of looked forward to seeing both of them. I haven't yet. But in my wave accomplishment I actually called Theresa's number. We're on for Saturday, and I'm excited. Yes, I'm excited to hang out with a ten year old girl and her mother. It's gonna be awesome.

P.S. while I'm not normally careful with changing my friends' names, I took the time to do so for Theresa and Anya. Why? Because Anya's ten. David and Bryan are not only ridiculously common names, but they can take care of themselves. And really, I don't feel like I even need to tell you that it's not their real names, and yet I am. Go figure.

AJ's search for gainful employment. Or any employment.

So, I have been posting really short little blurbs lately. And I would probably feel really bad about that if there were more than five people who read this thing. Or even just five. But as it is, I'm really not sweating it. Although I do feel the need to explain myself. Mostly it's just been that I've moved to a new place and I'm trying to adjust and mom and I are hanging out ALL THE TIME lately. Which I don't really mind, because she takes me to happy hours and buys me drinks. But it does mean I don't have much time to randomly spout out thoughts to the vastness of the internet.

I have also been looking for a job. Which will be interesting to say the least. I'm not a bad employee or anything, but the whole application process baffles me. And I suck at interviews. Like, I applied for Bucca di Beppo's the other day and...

Actually, let's try something different! I'm going to write a script about this.

Manager: So, have you ever worked at a resturaunt before?

Me: No.

Manager: (doesn't looked thrilled but continues with the interview) What are three of your strengths?

Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Manager: We can come back to that. What are some of your weaknesses?

Me: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Manager: We can come back to that too. What do you look for in a job aside from money?

Me: Oh lots of things. Like, I look to find a place whose philosophies I agree with. And a place I'm familiar with, and is friendly, and I can get a job where I can focus a lot. That's a strength of mine, I can focus really well. I can multitask too, though. I multitask all the time on my computer... though I probably shouldn't have said that.
(I go on like this for about ten minutes)

Manager: Ok then. Well, your forms will take a few days to process but then we'll call you to set up a second interview.

Me: Ohcoolawesomehooray.

So it was much longer than that and I was a little more professional with my answers (though not by much), but that gives a pretty good synopsis of my wonderful job interview.

Oh, and I dragged a stick home. It's not in my house or anything, but I carried it a few blocks and left it just outside our apartment building. I was pretending it was an arm of mine and fantasizing about following children and going 'rawr, I'm the slender man!' but even I know that a parent would probably call the cops and that would be very bad. And it probably wasn't what mom calls a 'socially acceptable behavior'. I'm working on that and everything, but I still do strange things sometimes. Like haul a stick around D.C. just because I wanted to.

An update of sorts

So, I made it in one piece if I discount the fact that I hit myself in the lip with my own bag when trying to push it onto the storage bin. It hurt a bit, but didn't do much damage. And I am safely in D.C., just hanging out with mom. I'm unpacked and everything.

It's really weird to think that I'm actually living here now.

So, I've been gone a while. Because I've been trying to fit in here, and I lost writing muse, and I have a cold from being on a plane, and stuff like that. And my random obsession is subsiding. It's not gone yet, but it's better.

On a happier note, my father has fixed my laptop. The one that has Jensen Falls on it. So, a little more editing and I'll have a pilot on my hands. Which is awesome.

I really thought that this would be a longer post. It didn't turn out that way I guess. Oh well.

So this is a short post, especially since I haven't written for a while. But I'm flying to D.C. today. Wish me luck.

Lots of rambling, and the truth about my brain

So, a lot has happened in the space between blog posts. I have about half of my stuff packed up, I got in a fight with my dad, I resolved it without it degrading into a yelling fit (bit of a rarity for me) and watched all of Marble Hornets. Every Man Hybrid too. That was not good for my sleeping schedule.

THINGS I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY MISTAKEN FOR SLENDY:

-Trees (given)
-A vacuum cleaner
-My dad (he's tall)
-My computer monitor
-A guitar case
-Me (stupid mirror)

I am also to the point of obsession where I can't talk about anything aside from Slender Man. I do this sometimes and I feel really bad about it. Mostly because I imagine it's very boring for anyone talking to me. But I will pour on and on about Slendy to anyone who bothers to listen to me. David's probably getting the worst of this, though Bryan gets it second. I've started sending warning IMs whenever we start a conversation. Mostly just a little blurb like, "By the way I'm still obsessed."

I hate that my mind latches on to things like this occasionally. I mean, if I was able to stop I probably would. But right now Slender man and Jensen Falls are pretty much the only things that are running through my head. I can't think of anything else, it's a physical incapability. I've had phases like this before, of course. Obsession is just part of my life.Roller coasters, rocks, Tim Burton Movies, different types of hats, D&D, Bioshock, Hockey, Musicals, Oscars history, Prime numbers, Joss Whedon shows, the solar system, and Star Wars have all been things that I couldn't stop talking about at one point or the other. It is part of my weird brain.

One of my viewers already knows this (heya David), but for that one other reader's information, and any other random guy who somehow bumps into this blog, me saying that my brain works differently is not hyperbole. I have a learning disability called Asperger's Syndrome. It's on the autistic spectrum. This usually gives people the wrong impression, because most people think of Autism as people who can barely speak or function. The truth is, Autism is pretty darn different from person to person, and I am on the extremely high functioning end of the thing. A lot of people can't even really tell that I have it.

I do though, and it occasionally ends up making my life difficult. Like the fact that lately I can't open my mouth without talking about a faceless man in a business suit. Not only does it not really win me friends, but it's just making me more and more paranoid.


Woah... I just neurologically outed myself on the internet. This is a really weird feeling.

A post full of Slender

Alright. My horror of the slender man is more or less on the slow side. So do you know what that means?

Marble Hornets.

So, I don't know if I'm going to get to any of it today. Or even tomorrow. I'm moving to D.C. in about a week, so I have to get all of my stuff together. Which is hard. I really wish Mom had given me more time. But it was a good deal apparently, and my mom can't really turn down a deal. At all. So speed moving, hurrah! I don't really like change, so it's freaking me out. But hey, what can you do?

Apparently, I can procrastinate by reading slender blogs. I told you I'm good at that. First thing, I discovered that not only is Zeke Strahm not dead, but he's got most of his marbles. Well, more than fifty percent of them. This is pretty much the best news I've had this whole week. Is it pathetic that I'm this invested in the wellfare of someone I don't know who may or may not exist? Well, I am. And for a second I thought that he had gone insane and all slendy minion on us. Yeah, I thought for a moment that the guy who finally decided to stand up to slender man had gone so bonkers that he was serving the other side now.  Wouldn't that be totally fucked up? Still, it sounds like something He'd do, so watch your mind Zeke. Seriously. I think you're awesome and want to give you a hug.

Ok, so that last thought would probably be a bad idea.

I also read 'The Tutorial'. M annoys me. He says 1 instead of one. It bothers me to no end. Aside from that, I don't think I have that much of a problem with him. Well, except some of his theories seem... odd? I mean, would staying high really do anything? May I never need to find out.

Ok, I'm really going to go do that packing thing.

Locations of Jensen Falls

So, I introduced the characters already. And I talked briefly about locations in my 'taking a walk' post. So I feel like the places should get some attention. Because places are cool.

Jensen Falls:

Thought I'd clarify, Jensen Falls is in fact that town that the series takes place in. I have no set place for it, but I usually think it's somewhere in the midwest. It's not very big, but I think it's big enough to avoid the 'small town' label. Barely. My main inspiration, aside from the parkway by my house, is this passage from The Halloween Tree. Which is a brilliant book, by the way. I have a signed version. It's one of my treasured posessions.

"It was a small town by a small river and a small lake in a small northern part of a Midwest state. There wasn't so much wilderness around you couldn't see the town. But on the other hand there wasn't so much town you couldn't see and feel and touch and smell the wilderness. The town was full of trees. And dry grass and dead flowers now that autumn was here. And full of fences to walk on and sidewalks to skate on and a large ravine to tumble in and yell across."

Isn't that just the coolest description ever? And it's what I think of every time I think of Jensen Falls. It's sort of a beautiful, magical, normal place. And while there are in fact main characters and stuff, I sometimes think the series is truly about this wonderful place, and people's actions to protect it.

The forest:
There is a forest on the outskirts of JF, and it's most distinctive feature is that it serves as one of borders. Go more than a mile or two into it, and you're into a different town. It's... well, it's a forest.

JFHS:
Most of my characters are high school age, so obviously this is an important spot. The school is loosely based on the place David and Bryan went to. Apparently. I've only seen pictures, but I got some serious inspiration off of those photos. It's got some really cool architecture. And a clock tower. I wish my high school had a clock tower.

Jonah's House:
An average, middle class house. In my head it's blue. But if we actually get around to filming this, I will totally not be picky. This is where a lot of stuff happens, because Jonah's room is the headquarters for his investigation agency. His room is absolutely full of movie posters and dorky figurines. It's what I want my room to look like. Instead I've got a poster of a mushroom cloud.

That's not mine, just so you know.

Rachel's House:
Well, technically it's her aunt's house. But Rachel lives there. And it's a fricken huge mansiony type place. Not quite as importan as Jonah's place because she spends more time at his house than the other way around. Well, that and she won't let Cole in.

The Bench:
Yes, a bench is an important location. It's because Cole is a mysterious asshole and Jonah has no idea where he lives. So if he wants to meet the guy, he hangs around this bench in a park until he shows up. How Cole knows he's there I've no clue. Maybe he's a creepy stalker vampire boy. Wouldn't be the first time.

Ok, I'll stop picking on Cole. He's probably not stalking Jonah. Much.

Dead Man's Party:
It's a club. For supernatural people! The DJ's a ghost. It's a cool little hangout for people who usually have to hide themselves to fit into society. And yes, it's named after an Oingo Boingo song. Oingo Boingo fricken rules.

The Old Peyton House:
Every town needs a haunted house, right? Jensen Falls is no exception. The story behind this is that Mr. Peyton was murdered and stuffed into the walls Edgar Alan Poe style. And that you can hear him trying to get out sometimes. Creepy, huh?

Dreams, Blogs, and Ulterior motives

So much for not being scared. Then again, reading Seeking Truth at midnight probably has something to do with that. These blogs are just way too interesting.

However, they do sort of terrify the shit out of me. It's not just the story though. I mean, the story's spooky enough, but what it does to my mind is awful. You see, I'm not exactly what some people call neurotypical. My brain works in weird ways, and while this is a very vernacular term, sometimes it's a gullible idiot. Once my sister actually convinced me that I didn't exist. It was one of the scariest days of my life, and when my parents came home I was crying in a corner asking them over and over if they could see me.

Yeah, my sister's not very nice.

So Slender man has gotten into my head. And since my brain believes everything it's told, part of me believes it. Which anyone who is familiar with the myth knows is a great way to attract it. And it's been taking a bunch of my childhood nightmares and putting a slender spin on things. Like when I was a kid, I had a lot of tentacle like dreams. There was one when a guy came out of a portrait and strangled me with a purple shadow arm thing. Another one I remember had people in the distance waving at me with weird smokelike arms.

When I was in high school, I remember having a terribly vivid nightmare about someone who I called 'the purple man'. He wore a dark purple pinstripe suit with a matching hat. He was also stick thin, and had no face. And he.... actually, I have no idea what he did. Just that it was scary. I was about seven years ago, after all. I remember writing a really creepy poem about it, but most likely it's in a rubbish bin in Montana or something.

It's sort of funny how the color purple seemed to feature a lot. It brings me to the conclusion that I'm being stalked by this:

Jokes aside, I think this myth is really getting to me. And nothing that spooky has even happened. Which makes me feel like I should explain a bit more about why I made this blog.

Partially, it's because I really want to make Jensen Falls.

The thing is, I work better when people are interested. So I thought I'd make a blog, draw the slenderfans in, and maybe they stick around and support me churning out the story. There is gonna be a slender man episode, after all. I mean, what does a slightly humorous paranormal whodunnit need? That's right, PURE TERROR.

So, if people do read this, yeah I'm kinda using you. Sorry? Please don't leave me? I'll give you cookies.

And there is the fact that I really, seriously, despite all  scientific and practical knowledge that I have, believe in the slender man. And if this myth does drive me loopy, whether his fault or my own gullible brain's, I want someone to hear about it. I don't just want to be forgotten.

Will this turn into a slender blog? Hell if I know. I don't think I'd be all that good at faking insanity. So I won't fake it. Things will happen as they happen. Please be more interested in my tv show than my demise. Although given my ability to procrastinate, both things are about as likely to occur.

On a final note, I was trying to keep profanity out of this blog. In this post, I swore twice.

Ah, fuck it.